


My soul for a Skirt

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Other, Post-War, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-03
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-02-28 01:13:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 35,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2713487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if the boy who lived wasn't really the /boy/ who lived.</p><p>OR</p><p>Healing after a war is hard enough without also having to deal with being increasingly uncomfortable in your own skin. It's only after a very public break up and a misplaced accusation of cheating- that she has the courage to seek out the one man who can help her with that, and just maybe a little bit more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

It isn't that he blamed Ginny for leaving, he didn't- really.

After all, it wasn't her fault that he'd been withdrawing for months. There was just something... wrong with him, something that he could never imagine telling her. Not that he hadn't tried, mind you. But every time the urge struck him, he had felt sick to the stomach, or she'd been on his case about this or that. And this secret, it wasn't the sort of thing that one sprung on their lover during an argument. Unfortunately she'd found a pair of green panties in his dresser drawer, assumed the obvious and left him with only a howler screaming that she would tolerate many things, but that him having something on the side was completely out of line.

He did vaguely blame her for leaving everything there though. It was like she'd never left, her stuff still strewn and when he'd floo-called her to ask if she wanted to pick it up, she'd only thrown powder in his face for the trouble. Harry had tried to contact Hermione, but apparently Ginny had already gotten a hold of Ron and it was with a mouthed 'when this blows over' that shed ended the call too.

Part of him can't help but wonder if Hermione would say that if she understood the truth. What Ginny had assumed was bad, but in some ways, this felt worse.

It was halfway through the bottle of firewhisky, well aware that all of his friends were likely to have taken Ginny's side anyway, that he takes his wand to one of her favorite outfits and starts to make a plan. After all, without Ginny in his way, what was there to stop him?


	2. Chapter One:  A familiar face

When the mousy brunette enters Severus's shop a few minutes before closing, he can feel the hair stand up on the back of his neck. There's no logical reason for it, nothing suspicious about the woman beyond a bit of an awkward gait, but years of spying means that Severus is prone to trust his inclinations, even if it was only dust setting off the alarm instead of smoke. So quietly he casts the stasis charm on the potion he's brewing and approaches the counter, watching as the woman meanders the isles, picking up this and that before placing them back down. He's unsurprised that she only approaches him when the last customer clears out.

"Sir, there's a potion I need and well, I was wondering if you'd be willing to brew it."

It's with a raised eyebrow that he accepts the torn parchment from the outstretched hand, though he only shakes his head, less in denial and more in understanding, still, "You do understand ma'am that this is of.... a questionably legal status, correct?"

It wasn't dark by any means, but any potions that permanently altered the physical body to such a great extent were generally looked down upon by the ministry. The ingredients were such that the issue rarely came up, but he somehow doubted that this woman would approach him without realizing the pretty sickle that it'd cost her.

"I know, but.... I figured.... Master Snape, you have to understand. I'd do anything..."

"It will cost you, but personally.... I've always found the ministry's policies on the matter distasteful. However, I will need to speak to the person who needs the potion directly."

"How do you know it isn't for me?"

"Ma'am if you're looking to" Severus stops mid sentence and then nods to himself, "polyjuice is it? I will still need to speak with you directly- in your unaltered form, ma'am."

"I..... this isn't such a good plan. Why do you need to know who I really am?"

"The potion, especially due to the ministry frowning upon it, is more art than science. Depending on what needs to change and how much, there are certain ingredients that will need to be added in higher doses or ones that may need to be left out all together. I promise you, ma'am, I have no plan of revealing your secret. I know you don't know me, and that my reputation proceeds me on many things. But in matters such as these I can promise the utmost secrecy. "

The woman scrubs her face with her hands from a moment, and he's startled by a soft 'ding' until he realizes that it isn't his shop door opening but the sound of an alarm going off. When she reaches for the potion vial that she is apparently carrying in her purse, he reaches out to still her hand.

"I know it may be distressing to be in your usual form, but ma'am I really must insist." Brown eyes stare at him in shock, more deer in the headlight, even as they begin to flicker to green. She makes a distressed noise even as the features begin to shift and it's only when she's already sprinted towards the door that Severus recognizes the face.

"Potter!"

But she's gone.


	3. Chapter 3

_"Potter,_

_I am asking you as a former comrade to reconsider._

_I have been a man of many secrets for as long as I have lived and it has made me what it will._

_Do you really wish to become me because you refuse to get help if I know who you are?_

_SS_

_It occurs to me that you may no longer wish to go by that moniker. However, until you supply me with something else to call you, it will have to do."_

 

No, no she didn't. But despite the fact that they had been soldiers on the same side of the war, Snape had never been particularly kind to her. 

Not that she needed him to be, she just needed him willing to create the potion, which he was, which meant her hesitance was completely ridiculous. Nice letter aside, he was probably berating her for a fool even at this moment. She hadn't considered the consequences of going into the shop, not really. It was just that Snape was the only Potions Master she really knew, and all things considered, even if he had called her a freak, he didn't seem the type to turn down an extensive amount of galleons in order to keep quiet.

Except he hadn't immediately named a price, he hadn't called her abnormal, and even once he'd realized that she was the one who needed the potion, had continued to call her Ma'am- had even held her hand.  It was such a startling turn from the man she had fought next to in the war. Suddenly Harry wishes that Snape had been cruel, had just named a price he believed she couldn't afford or that the letter had called her insolent, cocky, something to replace the look on Severus's face, the one not quite pity but too soft and too close for comfort.

It is only after three more owls, each one only addressed to 'P' that she finally gives in.  This time it is a rather tall woman, one with blond hair that would do the Malfoy line proud, that waltzes into the small shop in Hogsmeade. Harry isn't sure how he does it, but Severus recognizes her immediately, waving with one hand for her to take a seat in the back room.  

 

She props herself against one of the stools, listlessly looking around the room as she listens to Snape finish up with the last of his clients before locking the door and coming to join her.

"May I interest you in some tea as we talk?" It's still too polite, but she can't imagine the man would take too kindly to her asking that he stopped being nice to her, so she nods her consent and shifts uncomfortably.

Once there are cups in both of their hands, Harry realizes it is also so that she might have something to hide behind, if only metaphorically. They sit in this not quite comfortable, not quite uncomfortable silence for a few more minutes before the man begins to speak.

"How much do you know about the potion that you are asking me to make?"

"Not much, honestly. It was hard to find anything at all about it, but I did find out that muggles have Estrogen treatments.... if nothing else I was going to turn to that."

Severus takes a large sip of his tea, and Harry can only imagine that he is counting to ten to stop himself from insulting her, mocking her for showing up without knowing anything about it. But perhaps that's a mean thing to think, considering how kind the man has been so far. Harry resolves, albeit shakily, to let bygones be bygones since Severus seems to be putting the past behind them, at least for now.

"Well, you should know that it isn't a single potion, but rather a regimen. The ingredient list that you did manage to find belongs only to the first in the series. It is not.... unpainful. Do you have any friends who are perhaps aware of what you are about to undertake?" When Harry shakes her head no, Severus frowns, "I'm afraid I must insist you stay with me during the latter portion then. The first few weeks won't be a walk in the park, but I trust you will be able to manage.  The final few potions however.... do the biggest anatomical changes and..... let's just say skelegrow is much easier to swallow."

Again there is a soft ding and Harry clenches her fingers around the tea cup to resist the urge to fetch the vial that will keep her in this state, but instead focuses on the vague feeling of amusement at Severus turning his head politely. As if she were changing clothes, not bodies.  Setting down the tea cup she shakes lengthening limbs, glad she had settled on voluminous robes today. When dark eyes meet hers once more, she is well aware that he is looking into green eyes, refuses to think about the rest of her body. There are no mirrors in her apartment, save one in the back bathroom that she only uses to get ready after taking the polyjuice. She keeps a batch constantly brewing, and collects hairs from muggle hair salons when she can get away with it, doing her best to stay anonymous. This body, the one she is in now, barely feels like her own anymore, she spends so much time being other women.

"So the first set of potions will prepare your body for the later changes. I will need you to keep a detailed journal of things as they happen.  Beyond the major physical changes, as those will happen later, what are you hoping to see?"

At Harry's confused look, Severus continues," I'm assuming you'll want to stop growing hair in certain places, I'll focus on that first if so and add in something to make the hair on your head grow longer. It isn't a perfect science, as I've told you already, I cannot control how much your face will feminize, though I'm pretty sure I can make it so. Once again, detailed journal. I need to know physical changes as well as any emotional ones that you see."

"You never did tell me how much this is going to cost me," it seems like a weird thing to ask at this stage, but it's the only thing she can think of to focus on beyond how uncomfortable she feels in her own skin.

"and you never did tell me what you want me to call you." It's not an answer, and it's oddly evasive even for Snape but Harry purses her lips for a moment before nodding.

"Hayden. I'd like to be called Hayden. I'm.... Perhaps Hayden Evans?"

"Hayden Evans it is."


	4. Chapter 4

So they set a schedule.

The first group of potions would need to be taken daily for almost a month, followed by a week of a second set, and Severus had been vague on what exactly the last grouping of potions, other than that would be when she would need to start staying with him, at least for a little bit. He'd seemed apologetic about this fact, even suggested that maybe she'd rather consider hiring a private nurse to take care of her instead. Hayden had thought about it briefly, but she'd also been informed that after the first set of potions was through, she would need to stop taking polyjuice and that even glamours would be ill advised. There was no way that she was allowing anyone else know. Not until she absolutely had to, and it was seeming less and less likely that she'd ever have to. After all, it'd been almost six months since she and Ginny and broken up and none of the old Gryffindor cohort had tried to contact her yet.

"The first week is all there. Once again, I stress the need for detailed notes on the changes that are happening, no matter how irrelevant you think they may be. If something worries you, you know where to find me. If not, I will see you on Monday."

She stares at the small rolled bundle in her hands, unsure of what to say. This was the shortest that Snape had been with her so far, had had the bundle waiting on the counter before she even walked in and had sent it towards her with a wave of his wand before issuing his dismissal. It isn't even that what he'd said was particularly rude, but she'd gotten semi used to their small chats over tea as they worked out the details. This past month she'd spent more time in her original body than she had since she'd begun polyjuicing herself months prior, and it isn't that she liked Snape by any means. Even this slightly nicer version of himself was still the Snape that she'd always known, but it had been nice to talk to someone.

For the first time it occurs to her just how lonely she really feels, and she looks up to say something only to find Severus watching her intently at her with a raised eyebrow. There's a stuttered thank you, she clutches the roll to her chest and flees.

It tastes like ash and goblin snot but she swallows it down anyway. Snape has never been anything if not detail oriented, and within the roll is also a list of additional instructions. Things she shouldn't eat, a strict warning to set an alarm to take the potion at the exact same time each day, any potential symptoms that he can foresee from the ingredients used. It's nothing that she can't handle, a bit of nausea, a blinding headache, and there's a slight tremor in her hands, she realizes as she tries to make dinner that night. When the soft ding echos, she drums her finger tips against the counter for a moment before disappearing quickly into her room to change into a larger set of robes before the transformation begins.

There isn't much to say about today's potion, though she diligently writes about feeling sick earlier and then grabs her bag and knocks back another thing of polyjuice. After all, it's unlikely that she's changed that much physically after only one potion and a few hours, so what's the point in tormenting herself sooner than necessary. Which would be fine, except she can't quite manage to make herself look in the mirror on Tuesday either, nor Wednesday. On Thursday she runs her fingers along her jawline, pleased to note that despite not having shaved in a few days that there isn't hair there. On Friday she remarks that her skin seems to be getting softer as well, but even these small changes are not enough to convince her to look in the mirror.

It isn't that she doesn't try, she does. Spends almost an hour standing in the doorway of the bathroom, fingers tense along the frame, conjures mirrors that shatter almost immediately, but even getting half glances at her own body in windows is enough to make her feel woozy. Suddenly this doesn't seem like such a good idea anymore, because how is she supposed to survive once this month is through and she's no longer allowed to use polyjuice?

On Monday she enters the shop, this time as a petite red head, heart beating faster than it has any right to. This is the most nervous she has been so far and it's ridiculous, completely ridiculous. Severus waves her on back and this time she sets about making their tea instead of waiting, casting a warming charm on Severus's before setting it back on the counter and taking hers with her, swirling the sugar spoon in the liquid suddenly struck by how little she's interested in actually drinking the blasted beverage.

When the potion's master closes up shop he sweeps into the room before pausing at the sight of the tea. There's a quiet 'thank you' as he picks it up, taking a sip before turning his attention to her.

"Your journal, if you don't mind?"

She produces the small notebook from the folds of her robe, pointedly not looking at the stern man in front of her as he flips through her entries. Minutes pass by and the ruffling has stopped and when Hayden finally convinces herself to look up, she finds him rubbing at his temples and the feeling of guilt already in the base of her gut seems to swallow her whole. She had come to him with this, it was a difficult enough task as is, and here she was making it harder for him. 

"I was hoping we could avoid this, but I'm going to need you to let the polyjuice wear off I'm afraid."  It's not quite the chastisement she was expecting, though there is an obvious displeasure in his voice. Hayden once again gives him that distressed look, though this time she makes a motion to herself and it takes him a moment to interpret it.

"There are certain risks in transfiguring clothing to begin with, much less while on a person and I am no Minerva. However I do keep a set of spare robes for when there are accidents in the lab." As he speaks he is rummaging through one of the bottom drawers of a nearby cabinet, and once he's found what he is after he sets them down on the table next to her. "I will go back into the shop, please call out when you're decent."

Hayden nods her consent, sighing unhappily when the door shuts with a click. It isn't that she has anything against wearing the man's robes, she doesn't, it's a nice gesture. But once again she finds herself almost wishing that he had yelled at her. Not this quiet fictitious kindness, it's got to be pity, what else could it be? Even if he won't say that she's a freak, he must think it, must feel bad for her having to go through such lengths to feel comfortable in her own skin. It was the only thing that really made sense in terms of his behavior, after all, he'd certainly never been this patient of a man in class.

Even during the war Severus had had a few good inches on her, so the cloak completely drapes her in this form, but it makes her feel better at least that when she shifts it still won't be form hugging. It's only as she's smoothing the fabric along her thighs that she realizes that it isn't just the cloak she'd need to change, and there was no way that she was going to knock on the door and ask Severus if he has any underwear she can borrow. Instead she undoes the hooks of her bra and carefully hides it and the panties that follow beneath her folded robe in the corner. It's awkward 'going traditional' beneath the borrowed robes, something she'd never felt comfortable of even in her own, and she really, really doesn't want to think about whether or not the man who owned them was the type to go without, but it was better than ripping some of her favorite underthings.

As she calls out that it's okay to come in now, the familiar ding rings through the air and Severus stands in the now opened doorway, eyes trained on a distant object until he hears Hayden settle back down in her seat and is confident that it's over.

"You mentioned the hair loss, but your jaw is also much softer in terms of shape as well, you also look like you've lost weight. That isn't an expected side effect... Ha-Hayden, have you been eating?"

There's that look again and Severus isn't sure what to say to make it go away. It's not like he can tell her that it's okay, it most definitely isn't.  Running a hand through oily hair he makes a mental note to add a nutrition supplement to the next batch. If she says anything about having to drink two vials instead of one, he'll simply say it's due to ingredients that shouldn't be mixed or  perhaps about trying to focus on multiple things at one time.

"I still expect a day to day report on any symptoms or emotional issues. Instead of asking you to catalog the physical changes yourself, you will come next week prepared to let the polyjuice run out. I hadn't originally anticipated your reluctance, though I suppose I should have."

Once again it wasn't quite a chastisement but it was enough to push her over the edge, and when she speaks, her voice is warbles in pitch, "I tried. I swear I did, Sir. I just... I can't look at him. I can't do it. I swear I'm not trying to be difficult but I can't... I just can't."

It's only when Severus appears visibly uncomfortable that she realizes that there is a wetness on her cheeks, and for the third time since she walked into Snape's shop to ask for the potion- she throws up the hood of his robe and flees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trying to figure out the line between 'magic will obviously make transitioning easier'  
> and 'but no it cannot just be a wave of the wand oh there we go'  
> lalalalal  
> la.


	5. Chapter 5

As soon as she's out of the shop, Hayden apparates into the middle of her living room, quickly rummaging through the cabinet she keeps her polyjuice stores. She expects to calm down once she feels her body become smaller, but she's still shaking and holding back tears. For over an hour she paces, debating with herself on whether or not to return in the morning, whether or not this is worth it, regretting ever letting Ginny find the underwear. Regretting not just being honest with Ginny. Regretting ever being born such a freak. It's only as she realizes just how dark her thoughts have turned that she retreats to her bedroom. Accepting the night as a total loss she curls up in bed, pulling the too-large robe tighter around her still. The heavy weight of the fabric is almost soothing as she buries her face in the hood, immersing herself in the smell of sandlewood to hold off the emotions wracking her frame. There's a sound in the background but she mentally writes it off as the neighbors being loud, and without further fanfare she sobs herself to sleep.

Autumn light filters through the window of the room, a large swath of 'too bright' across her face, causing Hayden to groan as she slowly wakes up. Mornings are probably her least favorite time of day, groggy mind always startled to find that she has transitioned back during the night, body too large, hair too short, tight in all the wrong ways. Sitting with a roll of her shoulders, trying to release the tension in her back and ignore the incessant niggling at the back of her mind that it isn't only her body that is wrong this time. A blind pat down of her bedside table produces her glasses, but not a vial of polyjuice, so she grumbles as she makes her way back to the living room to get her dose.

Even as the vial is tipped back, two things strike her.

Her wards have been dismantled.

and Severus Snape is sitting in her living room reading a book as if there is nothing at all strange about breaking into his former student's home. It's only when she makes a strangle noise in her throat that he looks up, calmly closing the cover and setting the object to the side, but remains seated, hands now resting on the arms of the chair.

"How'd you get here?!"

Not why, Snape notes, but how, and he quirks his eyebrow for a moment before remembering that he isn't trying to mock the woman. "Hayden, I'm aware the past few months may have been strange. However, you surely haven't forgotten my previous profession? Beyond making your home unplottable and having a secret keeper, I don't think there's much you could have done to keep me out."

She looks distressed again and it's almost enough to make him feel guilty, so he makes a final concession, "I promise you, most people wouldn't find it so easy. It also helped that you have more than one of my possessions in your home. There are spells to find lost objects after all."

Hayden stares at him for a moment a longer, and Severus watches as she mentally goes over the list of objects she has of Snape's. Potion vials, the roll in which they'd came, and most importantly, he watches as she stares in wonder at the black cloth that is trailing along the floor before wrapping her arms tightly around herself as if wardng off a chill. He expects to be chastised, but can only laugh when she speaks.

"So don't accept any presents from the Malfoys. Got it."

"I hardly expect that any of the remaining Malfoys have any interest in you, unless of course you think that Draco's intense focus on you in school might have been hiding amorous intentions."

"Merlin, please let that not be the case. " There's a pause, and finally she settles onto the couch across from Severus, picking idly at the hem of the robe. "So we've covered how, care to fill me in on why... and maybe even how long you've been here?"

It's Snape's turn to shift uncomfortably, why he could answer without issue, the other... However, honesty was perhaps the best policy in this case. While the truth would inestimably make Hayden even more uncomfortable, any attempt at deception that was caught would most likely end up with Hayden retreating further into hiding and going back to her original plan of muggle treatment. Which was a terrible idea all around for reasons the woman was unlikely to know.

"You left my store in a significant amount of distress, I followed soon after. It did take me a few hours to find your home and once here I undid the wards as quietly as I could. It helped that you still use a similar warding style as you did during the war. I saw you were ...... sleeping and thought it best not to disturb you. I put up temporary wards and returned to the shop to make the next batch of potions for you." At that he references to the bag that Hayden now sees sitting on her kitchen table, but she's still caught up in the hesitation in Snape's voice regarding just when he had first gotten there. "It is extremely important that you continue taking the potions now that you've started the course. I know you may be upset right now, but I would also like to mention this is part of what I meant by emotional changes. I won't say your emotions don't belong to you, but they are rather exaggerated right now."

"You saw me crying." It's a statement, not a question.

"There is nothing wrong with crying, Hayden. I understand..."

"You understand that 'my emotions are exaggerated', I saw how uncomfortable you looked at your shop. Bloody hell, Snape... I can't... consequences of not taking the potion be damned, I don't want your pity. I don't want anyone's pity. And of everyone.... I figured you'd be the least to treat me like this."

In an instant both of them are out of their seats, Hayden with the intention to leave, to go, though to where she wasn't sure, and Severus gently pushing her back down on the couch, kneeling in front of her, one hand on her knee and the other on her shoulder.

"I am not treating you with pity, you can go ahead and strike that notion from your mind now.

"You can't tell me this is normal, Snape. You can't. You've been so bloody cautious, so bloody careful with me. 'emotions may be exaggerated' in deed. 'Don't worry Harry, you may find yourself sobbing yourself to sleep clutching my robes, but no worries, I already knew you were weak.' It's like you said earlier, past few months be damned I know what kind of man you are. This isn't the way you treat everyone." 

She doesn't know what she looks like, knows her form is small but hasn't the faintest idea the color of her eyes or hair, but even without that knowledge, she knows she must look like a wreck. Pale skin splotchy from crying, shaking and doing her best to back away from the warmth radiating from Severus's hands.

"Have you considered yet that I wouldn't stay in business very long if I treated my clientele the way I treated Gryffindors during potion's class?"

This gives her pause, and he takes advantage of it by pressing forward, " You are not weak, by any means. If we were to duel, I can no longer confidently say that I would have the upper hand. This, " she feels more than sees the thumb wiping away the wetness on her cheek, " does not change that. Your reason for coming to see me does not change that."

"So what? It's all professional courtesy? You take professional courtesy to a whole new level, professor- what with breaking into your client's houses if you think they might miss a dose."

There's that look again, the one that makes Hayden feel bad for causing such a fuss, the one that makes Snape look so much older than he really is. "First off, I am no longer your professor. You may call me Severus if you wish. Secondly- No, you are correct, I would not do this for most of my clients. However, you are not my average client Hayden. We fought a war side by side, and while yes, before you open your mouth to comment on my behavior at the time, it is still not pity that is pushing me towards this behavior. Will you please accept it for what it is? Or would you feel better if I went on a campaign against your heritage, debased your lack of potions ability and generally acted in such a way that would be the opposite of conducive towards us coexisting in a decent manner?"

Hayden finally shakes the hand off of her leg, pulling her knees up to her chest, unsurprised when Severus sits on the couch next to her, still twisted so that he's watching her. They sit like this, in strained silence for what seems to be eternity until she finally snorts.

"I guess that's proof you think higher of me now than you did then. You'd never have trusted me to know what conducive meant before the war."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So because of a comment on the last one- which I responded to but then also realized that the timeline isn't quite.... as obvious as it was in my head. ( I'm learning! I've only been writing fanfiction for a few months.)
> 
> So to start with Hayden is 22. (which makes Snape 42)  
> My main divergence from canon is the final battle and obviously, who lives. Everything else follows the same time line- meaning the fight between Ginny and Harry happened only a little bit before they were supposed to get married.
> 
> Harry walks into Snape's shop four months later, gets spooked- and spends a couple of weeks away. When she finally comes back, there's almost a months worth of conversation regarding how the potions are going to work, in what order, what needs to be accomplished. 
> 
> ....  
> uh  
> enjoy?  
> (also I'd intended each chapter to cover like a week of the potion taking but appppparently Hayden and Severus had other intentions.)


	6. Chapter 6

Severus is pleased to note that she doesn't hesitate at the door this time, doesn't even wait for him to acknowledge her before slipping into the back. As has been her pattern, it's only a few minutes before closing time, and he closes out his drawer for the day before heading back. The door is already cracked so he shoves it open slightly only to stop suddenly when he realizes what is happening, tries not to stare. He's proud to note that the nutrient potions are doing their job, and while her body isn't the same as it was during the war, it's more fat redistribution than losing what little she had to begin with, and the primrose he added to the main potion is doing well, black hair now feathered, only a few inches short of her shoulders. As the robe finishes covering the rest of her, he diverts his eyes finally and coughs slightly.

"Oh! Sorry, didn't realize I'd left the door open. uh.... thank you for last week? I'm sure the storm isn't over, but I started feeling a little less emotional on Thursday."

He shifts awkwardly away from the door now, moving to make tea in order to give him something to do with his hands. Severus had planned on how to deal with a still emotional Hayden, had planned for both an overly weepy woman and one who was extremely angry at him, perhaps rightfully so considering he had technically broken into her home. He hadn't planned on shy smiles and blushing, though he supposed that might partially be embarrassment. They'd spent a long time talking, mostly about nothing, about music (Hayden had been surprised that he listened to muggle music at times, and he'd abandoned his pride for long enough to share a small story about him and Lily before the fall out, listening to punk music and stomping around in heavy black boots), about the day to day in Severus's shop, about the weather, careful to avoid any topics that might touch on the war or Hayden's friends. Other than his knowledge that she wasn't opening up to them about this, and being aware of the very public split from one miss Weasley, he wasn't quite sure where any of them were in her life. It seemed strange for the Gryffindors to have drifted away so surely, but then again, it wasn't as if Severus had tons of personal knowledge about the life cycle of friendships.

By the end of it, she'd uncurled from herself, instead sitting on the couch cross legged, their knees pressing together as she alternated between staring unseeing at the ceiling and animatedly talking with her hands. There had been a moment, when she'd been talking about some of the dress shops she'd found in muggle London, where she'd shot him an award winning smile that he couldn't help but attempt to return. It had been awkward, the muscles in his face unused to the action, and he'd settled for half of one instead and she'd rewarded the effort by laughing softly and shoving his shoulder gently before going on to tell another story. He'd fetched her dose of polyjuice when asked, but had eventually made his excuses to leave. It had seemed better to escape on a high note than risk saying something that would send her into another spill of tears.

"I'm afraid the new batch will most likely upset the apple cart once more, on that account. Your hair is getting longer, I want to keep up with that portion. There is no hair in.... unwanted places?" Hayden shakes her head and he nods, passing over a cup of tea before going to find his notes. He shuffles through the parchments, searching for one bit of notes in particular, scratching a small note on the page before looking up, raising an eyebrow at the girl staring at him. Hayden sticks out her tongue momentarily before shifting in her seat, not so thin fingers drumming along the edge of the table.

"You have a choice, either come back tomorrow morning and fetch the new potions- or you may stay here while I brew. This one shouldn't take more than an hour, I brewed the base this morning and put it under a stasis charm. A few adjustments and you'll be free of me for the week."

"I won't be in the way?" Severus shakes his head. "And I can use my polyjuice again?"

"Yes, though you should probably start lessening your usage of it when possible. You'll only be able to use it for the next.... two weeks tops after all."

Two weeks. Severus watches as she fiddles with her purse for a moment before nodding to herself and grabbing the vial anyway. Not that he judges her, he understands what it is like to want to hide from oneself, and he can only hope that when everything is through, she'll no longer need to do that in any form. Together this time they make their way towards his brewing area, and she watches as he lights the fire beneath the cauldron, before going to his prep area.

"Unless you're particular to short hair, I think the best course of action would be to keep the ingredients that speed up hair growth, but the main focus this week shall be your voice. That is something you'll be able to keep track of even without looking in a mirror, and as with the previous weeks, I still need you to keep a journal. You may even use the journal to expand on your emotional state, I promise I will not judge you and it may help me notice things I wouldn't otherwise. "

Hayden nods, watching as he throws a handful of diced.... what she really isn't sure, into the bubbling pink liquid, captivated as it slowly turns a sluggish green. She's much better at potions than she was in Snape's class, could probably brew polyjuice in her sleep at this point, but there is still so much about it that amazes her. There's a pause in the motion, and she looks up only to realize that he's watching her, waiting for her to answer a question she hadn't even heard.

"Sorry, can you repeat yourself Professor?"

"Hayden, once again, I am not your professor anymore. Severus will do. Unless you'd like to return to calling me Master," it's an allusion to the very first day she'd come in, and she flushes until she sees the twitch at the corner of his mouth, the obviously restrained laughter, "what I asked was if you had any idea how long you'd like your hair to be? While you could continue taking hair stimulating potions after this is done, I wanted to give you the option to up the dose now."

"Oh, that would be nice, thank you. I think I'd like to braid it eventually. I know longer hair isn't exactly a witches trait, considering the elder Malfoy and well, yourself, but it does make me feel better."

It's quick work after this point, and soon Hayden is tucking the vials back into Snape's potion roll and leaving the shop and Severus knows that he won't see her for another week now. Except she shows up on Tuesday, and then again on Thursday. Each time short visits filled with idle chatter that he spends the whole time waiting for the point in concern, but each time she sweeps out the door as if she had really only come by to say hello. He finds himself watching the door for her during the weekend, but it isn't until Monday that she shows up again, clutching the potions roll and her extra set of clothes to her chest as she sweeps past him and into the back room again. He finishes up with an elderly woman, a regular client of his who he is almost positive uses the Albus approach of drugging her tea, before walking towards the back, and then straight through the opened door.

"Evening, Severus." He's pleased to note how much higher her voice is now. Still more Luna Lovegood than Pansy Parkinson, but it'd be hard to mistake it for anything but a woman's. Severus had read that muggle estrogen treatments couldn't raise voices, that their trans women had to go through training if they wanted to change their range. He'd been semi worried that Hayden would have to do similar.

"Be still my beating heart, the lady doth remember my name."

"Oh shush. I.... uh.... here's my journal. Super relevant points highlighted, you do know what a highlighter is right?" At the raised eyebrow she groans, "Really for a man who knows everything. One would think you'd never been in muggle London. The yellow parts. I kind of took what you said about using it for my feelings to heart and might have gotten carried away. You read that and I'll make the tea. Black right?"

He nods before diving into his reading, first the highlighted parts, then the rest. Her voice had begun to change on Wednesday, she was really hopeful that it wouldn't get too high, she didn't want to be shrill after all. Severus already knew Hayden's hair had grown a few inches this week, the evidence was sitting in front of him after all, but Hayden had noticed as well and that was a good sign. There's an offhand remark about thinking her cheeks are getting softer, and he looks up from the reading for a few moments before agreeing, he isn't completely sure, but he thinks her mouth may be changing shape as well. He wants to comment that he's proud of her for not taking the polyjuice except for on Tuesday and Thursday, but figures that might be crossing the line, especially considering the rest of the content.

Above all else, above the happiness over the changes, over the anxiety over if they'll be too much, all that is shadowed by an over arching loneliness. 'I wanted to listen to you, about not taking the polyjuice,  I really did. But there's only so much time that the walls can keep me company.' There are lines that are scribbled out, one in particular that he wants to raise up to the light and see if he can decipher it because he's pretty sure that he can see the top half of his own name, but Hayden is there, setting his tea down on the table next to him with diverted eyes and he can't do it, not even for professional curiosity. Careful to replace the ribbon bookmark in it's home before closing the journal, Severus makes a point to turn his full attention to the woman in front of him.

"It seems you're pleased with the progress on your voice so far. Would you like to continue that course or do you think that another week would be too much?"

"Could we still do it, but not as much? Sorry if that doesn't make any sense."

"I was able to double the hair growth part with relative ease- we'll see what we can't do there. Have you been able to look in the mirror yet?"

From the sudden way that she looks off, Severus already knows the answer is no.

"Hayden, we have one week left of this part of the course. After it's through, there is a week of prep potions that won't change anything at all and finally, some very painful potions that will take care of the major body anatomy. For the most part? next week will be it on your face and I need to know if there's something I should change for you."

She doesn't look anymore thrilled with the prospect, but it isn't like he has many choices.  He conjures a mirror and then crosses so that he can lay it down on the table in front of her, giving her shoulder a soft squeeze "Look, I'll be right here okay. "

If he's surprised when she automatically reaches up to take his hand he doesn't show it, just patiently waits for her to pick up the mirror, before sighing quietly and uttering a quick spell, causing it to hover at face height. Severus can see her expression change the moment she catches the reflection, first into distress and then into something much softer. Her left hand reaches up to touch the pout of her lips before running down the sides of her face. She'd known of course, known her chin was getting softer, her cheeks a little rounder, but this was the first time she'd seen them rather than just felt them.

"I...... I don't look as much like me as I suspected."

Without thinking about it too much, he squeezes their wound fingers gently, "I would say you look more like you every day. "

and if the smile she shoots him warms his heart, it's only from the satisfaction of having helped, or at least, that's what he tells himself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Teen Punk! Snape is one of my favorite things to imagine.
> 
> I'm still trying to figure out how long chapters are supposed to be.
> 
> like I was aiming for like.... 1,500 words but even that feels a bit short now and I just don't know.  
> it's a process.
> 
> dun dun dun. one week left of stage one. then a week of stage two without being allowed to use polyjuice, followed by that final portion.
> 
> I'm not sure if the Gryffindor(s) will appear in the next chapter or the one following, (that mostly depends on if I do another two week chapter.) but we will be seeing more of them soon.


	7. Chapter 7

When Hayden sweeps into the shop on Wednesday a little after noon, Severus almost gives into the impulse to smile. Almost.

The majority of black hair is pushed back with a head band, though bangs hide the infamous scar, and while the robes she is wearing are clunkily layered, he can't help but be proud of her for coming out today like this. He's no expert in make up, but he has spent enough time looking at that face recently to know that she's wearing something on her eyes and that her lips aren't usually quite that red. He quirks an eyebrow when she quickly sidesteps a customer who comes bustling their direction, before shaking his head as she disappears into the back, package in hand. Severus finishes waiting on the rest of the customers in the shop before spelling a sign on the door to say 'closed for lunch.'

"Someone's feeling awfully brave today." 

Hayden isn't sure if it's a jibe or a compliment, a comment on her bringing lunch for two without asking, or a statement about how she looks- so she just smiles sheepishly and continues to go about setting out their meal. It's nothing fancy, just fish and chips, but she wasn't really sure what Severus ate when he wasn't at work usually, so it would have to do. She could try and drag him out for something more adventurous like curry or Thai food later on. Her nose wrinkles slightly, she can almost hear him in her head, 'that's rather presumptuous of you, isn't it' after all, after this there was only one more week of prep potions, then an undetermined amount of time where yes, she'd be spending a lot of time with him, but it'd be because he was making sure everything went well. And then what? Would he expect her just to leave and never come back? She wasn't sure she liked the idea of that very much. 

"But no, really, to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?"

Severus's voice draws her back out of her head and she shakes her head to clear the unpleasant thoughts, grinning when she remembers exactly why she had came, " It's a celebration! They came in!" 

There's a quirk in his eyebrow asking her to go on and she flushes slightly, pushing the robes on her shoulders back to reveal the shirt beneath, "I mean I know they aren't much yet, but I wasn't really expecting them at all until... well, later, and I was just so excited when I woke up this morning and I wanted to share the news with someone but really who else do I have to tell. and I guess you probably think this is weird but I was just really happy and it's all because of you really so here I am. Except I'm really not all that brave as you think I am, I really wanted to come over here just like this and not have to wait on the polyjuice to wear off but I still had a notice me not spell on me. Not enough to shake anyone's notice if they bumped into me, but enough they'd have to be really looking to see me. But yeah here I am and I hope you don't mind. I don't actually know if you usually break for lunch, or even what you eat, but I figure fish and chips is a pretty safe bet. I just really wanted to celebrate with someone and I guess I could leave if you want-" 

She hadn't known it was possible for a raised eyebrow to take on an amused quality, and yet if anyone could pull it off, Snape would be the one. "Breathe, Hayden, you're rambling. If celebrating means free food, who am I to turn down such a boon." It's a dry comment, but part of her believes that there's a touch of fondness in the tone, and she smiles gratefully as she follows his suit and finally begins to eat. 

They weren't much yet, not really. Her breasts gathered together would still fit in one hand, but they're hers and that's all that matters right now, that her body is changing in a very real way. Hayden still hasn't put another mirror in the apartment, but she'd spent more time in the back bathroom lately, playing with makeup that she'd gotten in muggle London. For the most part lunch is a quiet affair, Severus appearing to be in his own world and Hayden still flustered over her outburst. At one point she looks up from her chips to realize that he's watching her, head tilted to the side, and it's her turn to raise an eyebrow. He doesn't flush, or look away, doesn't stick out his tongue the way Ginny might have, just shrugs- a minute motion of one shoulder before speaking.

"Thank you. I know I wouldn't usually be your first choice to eat lunch with, but this is nice."

"I mean, lately you really are looking like my first choice in human companionship. I just..." she starts the sentence and trails off shaking her head, choosing to end with "don't really have anyone else who cares right now."

He could pursue it, he's been curious after all, but their lunch has been pleasant so far and there's no reason to get the woman upset over whatever has caused the distance between Hayden and her friends. Instead he chooses to follow another train of thought that he's been curious about.

"What are you planning to do post transition?"

"Do?"

"Surely you must return to work at some point? How are you planning to survive if not?"

"Oh.... that. I hadn't really thought about that too much, to be honest. I've been so wrapped up in how I'm going to change.... I can't really go back to aurors like this can I?"

"Hayden... you can't keep your identity a secret forever. Eventually you're going to have to come out and explain. For most witches this wouldn't be an issue, but I'm afraid this is something that would be difficult for you to avoid."

The woman sitting across from him blanches, and he watches as Hayden rubs at her face. Then again, Severus supposes, there would be ways to circumvent the issue in its entirety, but most of them he would think unpleasant for her. She could flee the magic world in it's entirety, but current distance from friends aside, Hayden have always seemed to thrive on her connection with those around her. Severus might be happy living a mostly solitary life, but it wouldn't suit the young Gryffindor in the least. When she suddenly asks him his opinion on the latest reform regarding muggleborn students, he accepts it as the change of topic it as it is. After all, he is not her minder.

It's a chiming of Severus's alarm spell that startles them out of their conversation, and he swears quietly when he notices the time.

"Re-apply your notice-me-not. I hadn't realized how long we'd been speaking, that's almost definitely Draco."

Ten minutes later, when he has finally shooed the blond hair man out of his shop, he isn't surprised to find that Hayden is nowhere to be seen. What does surprise him is when she shows up the following day, and and each day after. Each day they eat lunch in his back room and carefully dance around the subject of life post-transition, instead focusing once again on Severus's day to day shop operations, or what's in the prophet. Each day she is careful to leave within the hour, trying not to monopolize too much of his time. By the time that Monday rolls around again, he's notes that she looks much less awkward in her robes, even if she is still using charms to avoid the notice of his customers. 

"So this week there won't be any changes?"

"No more changes for now. This batch is mostly to help your body get ready. You may also want to begin packing your things to come stay with me. I would offer the reverse, but I live above the shop and need to be here to deal with some of the potions. I cannot be sure how long the final stage will take, the literature I've managed to find still hasn't been too clear on the matter. What is clear is that it will be exceedingly painful, and I need to know that you're aware of that. There will be no stopping once the first potion has been consumed."

Hayden nods resolutely, resisting the urge to roll her eyes at him. It's a topic they've gone over more than once, and as she told him the first time, she wasn't sorted into Gryffindor for nothing. Besides, if it can really change her completely, then the pain will be worth it. She spends the rest of the week at home though, only venturing out to get groceries once. It's then that she picks up another mirror and places it in the bathroom attached to her bedroom and slowly begins moving her things. She's getting better with the eyeliner, but despite having a large pallet of colors to choose from for eyeshadow, she sticks to green or white, unsure of how to go about doing the rest. Part of her wishes that she had Hermione or Ginny or Luna- anyone really, to help her with this part, but their silence speaks volumes and she convinces herself that she's okay with that.

Instead of allowing herself to be swallowed by pity she does her best to clean the house and prepare her things. Severus had been clear that in the beginning she'd be in too much pain to do anything, but she still tucks a book or two in her bag, as well as a chess set that Ron had given her one Christmas. On Sunday evening she double checks that everything is packed before heading to the kitchen to make a late dinner, only to go deer in the head lights when she notices Snape once again sitting in her living room, this time looking much less at ease in a pair of black slacks and a white button up.

"You have got to stop doing that. "

There's a tightening around Severus's mouth and she isn't sure what he's holding back, but is relieved when he shakes his head and only replies, " If it bothered you so much, you would have strengthened your wards the first time. " 

"Maybe. Owls still exist for a reason though."

There's a pause as he collects himself and then, "it's your last night as a free woman for a decent bit. I thought we might celebrate. We could go to muggle London, that way you wouldn't have to worry about being recognized?"

For a split second he's worried that the expressions flashing across her face equal up to denial, but the budding apprehension eases when she launches herself at him for an awkward hug, before pulling away, the red of her cheeks almost enough to rival her ex's hair. 

"That sounds fantastic. Thank you. Just give me a moment to get dressed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I'm not writing fanfiction- I run a survivor resource and that has been where my soul has been the past few days.  
> .....  
> I'm so very happy to have my soul back. Not that it isn't rewarding work, it most definitely is.  
> butsometimesIjustwanttowriteladypotterfanficyaknow?
> 
> also dundundun the gryffindors will be making an appearance next chapter. or well, at least one of them will be.


	8. Chapter 8

It's with a hangover that Severus awakes to the shrill sound of his wards, quickly pulls on a robe from beside the bed even as he grabs his wand and stumbles into his living space to find the intruder. Except the sleeping form on his couch is Hayden, black hair in a tangled halo about her head as she snoozes and still half asleep he thanks Merlin his alarms are only keyed to him before following the noise to his shop. 

The intruder has hair just as messy and arms flailing and her wand out, though he isn't sure if she's trying to hex his door or just take the wards down, but either way he's startled into full awakeness by the sight of Hermione Granger looking madder than a wet Kneazle. It takes her a few minutes to realize that he's appeared and she lowers her wand long enough that he feels comfortable dropping the wards only to regret it when he's suddenly face to face with the muggle born.

"You absolute bastard! What have you done with him! I've- we've been worried sick and you've known where he was this entire time you greasy git."

"Miss Granger, I must assure you that I haven't the faintest idea what you think I know or have done and would appreciate if you stopped assaulting my person this instant!"

He raises his voice towards the end of the sentence and it's enough that Hermione drops her hold on his robes to rummage through her shoulder bag to shove a wad of parchment at him. What Severus sees there is enough to make him pause. A flushed Hayden leans against him, green eyes staring almost mesmerized at the hand wrapped around her shoulder as they both stumble towards his shop, all under the blaring headline 'Poorly Glamoured Potter With Ex-Death Eater?!' With a long suffering sigh he tells the young witch to come in, turning his back on her only long enough to take a hangover potion to clear the pounding in his head. He isn't sure who took the picture, but he's sure whoever it was is laughing their way to gringotts at this moment. Hayden must have either forgotten to reapply her notice-me-not charm, or something had caused it to fail on their way back home. Severus isn't sure what to say when he turns back to the woman, and settles for the truth without explanation.

"That isn't a glamour."

"Isn't a glamour? Have you? That's sick, Snape. Sick. If that isn't Harry glamoured- then you're paying prostitutes that look like him to go out with you? I can't believe I used to defend you in school. What would he say if he knew?"

It wasn't the first train of thought he would have jumped on, but instead of being offended by her conclusion he just shakes his head, "That isn't a prostitute either. She'd be more offended if you told her that you thought she was than the fact that you have the audacity to imply I carried a torch for her when she was my student."

He can almost see the wheels in her head turning, watches as she blanches, "Harry wasn't cheating, was he?"

"No, Miss Granger, no she was not."

They stand quietly for a moment and eventually he waves her back to the room where Hayden and he had already spent so many afternoons, allowing the clatter of the tea service to break the silence as he moves. There's a second cup on the table, but he makes no move to pour for her, has no interest in extending any kind of kindness to the woman. If she wants a drink, she can pour it her damn self. He's unsurprised when she does just that, makes no comment on his manners or lack therefore of, only settles at the table staring at him with the kind of tired expression that he knows he wears too often himself.

"Why wouldn't he just tell her that?"

"Miss Granger, do you suspect Ginerva gave her half the chance? Besides, how many people of her..... disposition do you know?"

"None that I know of. But why you? Why come to you? Why not tell any of us?"

"The latter would be for her to tell you. The former because I am a potions master and what the prophet has called a poor glamour, is actually the beginning of her becoming more comfortable with her body. Once she knew that I would have to know who she was in order to make the potion, I will admit there was a great deal of hesitance on her part, Miss Granger. This is not a matter of her trusting the greasy old ex potions professor over your friendship. She simply came to who she thought could help."

"And the picture? That isn't you helping him." She glares down at the paper, and he sighs once more.

"No Miss Granger. The last bit of the potion will be... excruciating to say the least. I thought she might enjoy one last hoorah, and considering none of her friends were aware of her condition......"

He doesn't say anything else, refuses to allow the picture or this conversation to sully last night's pleasant memory. They'd gone to dinner in Muggle London to begin with and from there they had wandered together chatting idly. It wasn't a particularly memorable conversation, it wasn't intellectually stimulating nor had it gone into any depth about anything- and on an obvious level Severus knows he shouldn't cherish it much, yet he does. It wasn't often that he was able to have such conversations without feeling ire towards the other person, and even though Hayden and he hadn't had any sort of serious conversation, he hadn't been annoyed by her in the slightest. It had been.... nice. and they'd mutually decided to finish out the night with a few drinks at the bar before heading home, and really, that had been the mistake. Severus berates himself for having more than a drink, for not watching out for the witch that had been with him. It's only when the witch across the table from him coughs that he realizes she'd been talking and was waiting for an answer.

"If you'll repeat yourself-"

"I want to know why you're so fine with all this. Potions Master sure, but that doesn't mean you have to be " she waves her hand at the offending image, " so buddy buddy with him. What are you getting out of this? I'm not going to let you hurt him."

"I find it quite ironic that you insist that I not damage the person you refuse to refer to by the correct pronouns. You will not let me hurt /her/, Miss Granger. There is no man in that picture for me to hurt. We are not, as you put it, buddy buddy. I am sure once the rest of the wizarding world is aware of her condition, and should they choose to accept her rather than outcast her- that our coexistence will end. As is, she is simply latching on to the only bit of kindness that she is receiving.

I have no interest in hurting her. Yes, Harry Potter was a thorn in my spine through out school. However, the war is over. I have no issue with her condition because unlike you, she is not the only person I know who has suffered in this way. There was.... I imagine you are aware that even in my school years I wasn't popular, even amongst the Slytherins. It wasn't until Lucius began courting my attentions because of my potions skills- that I was even known at all. However there was a Slytherin a few years younger who was quite fond of me. In his younger years he was teased ruthlessly because it was assumed he had a crush, but the truth was I was the only person who respected him for what he was. A boy- not a girl. Our friendship remained until...." until the Dark Lord had killed him for refusing to join, " well, that is none of your business. 

What is your business is that if you are going to remain friends with her, you need to accept her for who she is. A terrified young woman who is currently beside herself that if the world knows of her condition, they will abandon her or insist that she stays as they remember her- the man who lived."

"How do I even know you're telling the truth? Where is Harry? I want to talk to-" she takes a deep breath before going" her. I want to hear it from her."

"That isn't possible, at least not at the moment, Miss Granger. She is asleep for now, and when she wakes up it is imperative that she begins the next course of potions. She'll be in a large amount of pain for a few days at the least. If she is willing, you may speak with her once all of this is through."

"I can't speak to her before she takes the potions? I'm sorry Professor but surely you must realize how hard it is to take your word for all of this. How do I know you aren't keeping her hostage? That you haven't got her under imperius?" 

If looks could kill, Hermione realizes that she'd be nine feet under, but she refuses to drop the subject, " I'll call the authorities. Harry went missing a few months ago. The wards on Grimmauld won't let anyone in- for all I know he's dead and you're using his hair in some sort of... genderbend polyjuice. No one has seen him since the night Ginny and him split."

"She could throw off imperius even as a young student, I hardly doubt I could be keeping her against her will. Also, Grimmauld?"

"Grimmauld Place? Where the order used to meet? That's where they'd been living-" He isn't sure what she sees in his face, but something apparently gives him away, " Harry hasn't been staying there, has she? You know where she is?"

"Where she is and where she has been staying are two different matters. The answer to both is yes however." Once again he's said too much and suddenly something in the young witches face brightens.

"She's here then. Harry is here. Please Professor, let me see her. Even if you don't want to wake her. I just need to see her with my own eyes. We really have been worried sick. Ginny was so angry and it took me awhile to convince Ron that Harry would never do anything to hurt her intentionally but by the time he came around, my owls were bouncing and no one could break into their home, not even Ginny. I've been looking for him everywhere, Sir. Please. I just want to know Harry is okay."

Severus isn't sure of the timeline, but knows that in the least that meant they'd been looking for months. It's against his better judgement but he finds himself pushing away from the table and leading her up the stairs and into his home. Hermione stands stock still for a few moments, tracking the breathing of the woman curled on his couch before walking forward to brush stray hairs from her forehead, fingers lingering for but a moment.

"none of that now. She needs her rest. It's going to be a long few days for her. If I were you.... I would return to the others and tell them that it wasn't her in that picture. The scar wasn't visible to my knowledge, if you wish, you can disparage my character in whatever manner you like. It will do her no favors though if they were to find out before she is ready."

There's a tightening of her lips but Hermione nods her agreement before disappearing out the door. Severus crosses over to the couch, mimicking Hermione's previous motions for only a second before returning to the shop to finish off today's potion. He hadn't been lying when he said it was going to be a long day, but the truth was he wasn't looking forward to it himself either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Hermione listen?  
> What about the other Gryffindors?  
> Is this what you were expecting?


	9. Chapter 9

When Hayden stumbles down the stairs, looking far more comfortable than she should wearing borrowed robes once more, he says nothing of their visitor.

"'orning sev'us"

"I would implore you to refrain from using my given name until you're awake enough to say it correctly," it's a soft jibe, and he's pleased when Hayden just makes a face at him instead of rising to the bait. She accepts the tea he hands her before sitting on the edge of the table, watching as he lays out the necessary vials. His current debate is over whether or not to put her in a medically induced coma, it would limit the amount of pain she'd remember, but it wouldn't make getting the rest of the potions in her easy or allow him to know if anything went wrong in the process. He's unsure of how to approach the subject when a soft hand on his arm shakes him from his ponderings.

"It's going to hurt. I know. But it'll be worth it. You said it was important that I start as early as possible this morning, so- which ones first?"

There's a mutter that might be 'Gryffindor foolishness' but Hayden isn't quite sure and opts to ignore it in favor of taking the blue vial that is handed to her. "This one, though perhaps we should go back upstairs. In fact, I'm going to insist you take the bed for now, it will be trial enough without having to worry about spasms sending you flying off furniture." 

She looks as if she might argue for a moment, it's a weak excuse surely when they could just transfigure the couch into something larger, but instead she shrugs it off and listens to what he has to say. As much as Severus had been trying to make sure that she understood that the next few days were going to be hard for her, she could only imagine they wouldn't be easy on the man either. He may have been a git in school, but looked at from a maturing perspective, she could see that most of the time he had merely been frustrated at the school's inability to keep her safe when she was out making mischief. That frustration was likely only to return considering he'd made it clear that she wouldn't be able to take any pain potions or have any charms of that nature cast.

When Severus finally joins her in his bedroom, she's sitting cross legged on his bed, staring resolutely at the vial- which she dumps with a falsely cheery "bottoms up!" before reaching out to take the second and then third potions from him. She reaches for a fourth but he shakes his head, commenting that it wouldn't be needed until later. She shifts awkwardly under his open gaze, unsure what she's supposed to be feeling, unsure if the potion is correct. Snape may be one of the best potions masters, but even he had admitted that the readings on it were slim, but before she has time to ask how she can be sure, the mouth that had opened to speak instead contorts into a scream.

It feels like her bones are shattering and trying to rearrange themselves, like her skin is too small and her body too big all at the same time. He reaches out a hand but doesn't quite lay it on her shoulder, unsure if the touch would cause more pain or comfort, wincing slightly when her fingers dig into his outstretched arm. He endures it, knowing it is nothing compared to whatever revolt her anatomy is currently trying to perform, only raises his other hand to lightly stroke the back of her hand, otherwise helpless even as the screams give way to choked sobs. Eventually even that dies out, the grip on his arm loosening until it drops to her side. As carefully as he can he rearranges her on the bed, trying not to cringe at the moan it causes. He performs a few spells, checking her vitals and setting alarms to go off just in case something changes or she wakes up before heading out of the bedroom.

He'd intended to get some work done, but instead finds that he's simply staring blankly at the journal in front of him, rereading the same few sentences over and over again unable to process their meaning. When he glances up at the clock he realizes it's been less than ten minutes and gives up the task for naught, instead dragging a chair into his bedroom so that he can watch the young woman currently inhabiting his home. If the literature he'd been able to find was correct, he knows that this will only get worse before it gets better. Another hour will need to pass before he gives her the fourth potion, and after that they'd be done for today at least. When the spell chimes, he carefully shakes her awake, murmuring soothing nothings as he holds the liquid to her lips. Green eyes look up at him blearily but she opens her mouth obediently to accept the drought, already beginning to sob again. Severus stands up to leave, to give her her privacy, but when she notices it, she's begging him to stay.

So he does.

Swears he can see her body transforming in front of his eyes, even though he knows it's most likely just his imagination at this point, just him overanalyzing every spare tense and jerk of her body. At one point she asks him to read to her, and he agrees but finds himself unsure once he's in front of his bookshelf. Now doesn't seem the time to be reading potions journals or medical texts, eventually stoops to the very bottom where he still has the books from when Draco was little and selects the Velveteen Dragon. It's young, a child's book really, but with the amount of pain she's in it's unlikely that she'll notice and at least he won't feel like he's trying to teach her still. He settles into the chair he's pulled into the room and begins to read, voice deep and steady, only pausing to glance up when she makes small noises, from pain or approval he is never quite sure. It's only when he's finished the story that he looks up and realizes that she's fallen back to sleep and he feels comfortable refreshing his alarm charms before going downstairs to work on the next doses.

It's easy to lose himself in this kind of work, yet he finds himself with one ear towards the stairs at all times, prepared to cast a stasis charm at the slightest hint of noise. None come though and it's only as he's ladling the last of the potion into vials that suddenly Severus notices that the clock in his work room has both hands pointing at 'Past your bedtime'. Carefully he gathers the afternoon's work before climbing up the stairs, checking in on Hayden one last time before grabbing a blanket and settling in on the couch. 

His alarm spell isn't quite as shrill as his wards going off, but that doesn't quite counter the way his back aches from sleeping on the cramped couch. Not that he'd even think of complaining to Hayden, the woman was likely in much worse pain. When he enters the bedroom he notes that she's thrown off the covers and his robe is hitched up from her rolling in her sleep, not high enough to be indecent by any means, but high enough that he can't help but allow himself a moment of pride. So far, so good, unlike her face, Snape hasn't spent much time looking at her legs pre-potion, but the change is obvious enough. He can't be positive, but it even looks like she's likely lost an inch of her height, not necessary considering she'd never been very tall, and he can only hope that it won't bother her much. After another moment of inspection he gently rouses her from her sleep, pleased to note that while her motions are stiff, she doesn't seem to be in too much anguish.

"Breakfast and then more fun, right?" There's a note of trepidation there, but he nods and extends his arm which Hayden gratefully takes. 

"Oh." It's a soft noise, and he glances to the side to see her shifting from one foot to the other, before drawing the robe up in her fists to stare down at her feet. "They're smaller."

"Well, yes."

A large grin breaks across her face as she wiggles her toes, amused by the change in her body, only to suddenly drop the robe hem to shove up the sleeves, "look, smaller too."

"Come on, breakfast. There are still more potions to take, you aren't out of the water just yet." Hayden makes a face at him, obviously biting back a retort about him interupting her fun but does as she is asked and hobbles towards his kitchen. It's awkward moving in this body, much more so than the polyjuiced versions, her limbs smaller but core still the same, not that she'd ever been that large.

Their morning meal consists of toast and eggs which she munches on quietly before voicing her latest concern, "today is going to be worse, isn't it?"

"Likely.... I could put you in a coma and under a host of monitoring spells if you prefer? It won't stop you from feeling the lasting effects of the pain, but at least you'd be unconscious for the most of it."

She turns the offer down before pushing the rest of her eggs around the plate idly until Severus takes it from her with a shake of his head. With a wave of his wand the dishes begin washing themselves in the sink and he nods his head towards the bedroom door with a quiet, 'after you'. He hands her a new robe before leaving the room to grab today's dose and give her a moment of privacy to change.

This time she goes ahead and lays back, using a few pillows to prop herself up slightly before accepting the first vial from Snape. Today it is a ruby red and she mutters 'to Gryffindor!' before knocking the foul tasting liquid back, following it with two more that he hands her. As with yesterday it takes a few minutes for them to set in and then her fingers twist into the bed clothes and she makes a face that has Severus conjuring up a waste basket just in case. Hayden doesn't need it, not yet, but he sits there in the chair from earlier watching as pain contorts her features. Knows just as her limbs broke themselves yesterday, that today her ribcage and hip bones are doing the same, her entire insides attempting to reinvent themselves to fit their new home. There's a fine sheen of sweat across her body and suddenly she scrambles for the trashcan, vomiting the contents of her stomach into the receptacle before it drops with a thud out of her hands. 

He hasn't moved from her side this time when the chime goes off for him to deliver the second dose, and he guiltily pulls her up, supporting her weight against him as he helps her drink the disgusting liquid, even knowing that it will cause her even more pain. It's necessary though, and they both knew the consequences before embarking on this adventure. It's only after a third round of puking that she begs him for the coma that she had denied earlier and he nods his head in understanding before reaching for his wand. It isn't a spell he's used often, especially not since the war has been over, but it comes readily enough now, a soft blue glow coming from his wand and slowly ensconcing her entire body. 

Severus can't quite bring himself to leave her just yet, stands there watching the rise and fall of her chest for what feels like entirety before lacing the final alarm charms around her. They should let him know if anything changes, and it's only with this measure that he leans down to give her hand a small squeeze before returning to his workroom. There's one last batch of body morphing potions to create, and then a group of stabilizers and strengtheners. Every few hours when the potions permit him too, he drifts upstairs to check that she's still breathing. He knows that the spells would let him know if it were any different, but there are somethings that a person must see with their eyes. When the clock informs him once again that it's time for bed he closes up his workstation for the day and starts for the couch, only to make a last second decision to grab the blanket and instead curl up in the chair next to the bed. It isn't the most comfortable thing in the world, but from here he can hear her breathing and it is to this sound that he drifts to sleep.

The next morning he considers pulling her out of the coma long enough to eat something solid again before deciding to go with a nutrition potion instead. They weren't quite a replacement for a good meal, but it'd be easier for her to keep down the potion this time and waking her up would mean putting her in pain that much sooner. It takes a quick spell to trigger her swallowing reflex, but other than that it only takes him a few moments to get all the potions fed to her. The stress along her face isn't that far behind, but he's pleased to notice that it isn't quite as bad as it had been the day before. Today he stays here stroking back her hair for only a second before determinedly going about his day. After all, it'd just be creepy to sit up there and watch her sleep, even if that's what he wants to do more than anything.

It's only as he's cleaning his kitchen that the shrill alarm once again pulls him downstairs, though this time he is not startled to see Hermione there, arms crossed and tapping her foot as if he was late for a meeting. With an exaggerated groan he opens up his wards long enough to let her through the door before staring pointedly at her.

"I thought you'd have your shop open today! You used to be open seven days a week and now suddenly you're closed three days in a row?"

"Miss Granger, are you stalking me? Does my shop schedule interest you that much? My regulars were made aware that I had a family" he snorts here, " emergency to attend to and wouldn't be back this week and perhaps next. The rest of my patrons know they can get what they need elsewhere should it be so pressing. If you're looking for pepper up, or perhaps a hair taming potion, I'm afraid that you'll have to go elsewhere."

"Don't play funny with me, Snape. We both know that I could still have the aurors in here in a second."

It's the wrong thing to say apparently, because suddenly she finds herself backed against the door, wand digging beneath her chin, "Listen here, you little twit. My kindness to her only extends to her. It's extent of extending to you is the fact that you're still alive after messing with my wards not only once, but twice. I have no idea if she even still wants you in her life, and if she doesn't, I'll make sure that the next time you even think of crossing that boundary will be your last. I am well aware that your Ronald is working in the ministry, and you are well aware that I was a spy for many years. I have barely slept in the past few days and I would not tempt me given either bit of knowledge."

"I just want to see Harry." He's almost impressed, except he's never been particularly impressed by Gryffindor foolishness and he can see the quiver in her jaw.

"Information to a question I did not ask, you silly witch. Now, I am going to lower my wand and you are going to leave. When and if, and only if, she wants to see you, she will send you an owl. If you drop by my shop one more time uninvited you will suffer the consequences. Do we have an understanding, Miss Granger?"

She nods once and he takes a step back to give her room to rub at her throat, unable to prevent herself from speaking one last time, " You can't keep him from seeing his friends you know!" 

Severus watches her back retreat down the street before muttering to himself, " If you call yourselves her friends, I'd hate to see her enemies."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....... that was way longer than intended.  
>  In the next chapter- Hayden and her final form. (... that makes her sound like a pokemon or something.... Sorry. Also in the real world, estrogen and such cannot change height or limb size or any of that stuff. However- magic.)


	10. Chapter 10

For the most part, Severus paces. In the bedroom, in the living room, in his work room. There are crumbled papers lining the fireplace, ready to be consumed the next time he starts the fire, most of them scathing reviews of Hermione's character. Except, he doesn't know what Hayden wants, and if Hayden wants to accept her friend's apologies, than he has no choice but to let her go back to them. He's still tempted, after all the busy body needs to understand just how damaging for Hayden it would be if the aurors were to show up right now. Questionably legal isn't quite the same as illegal but she really isn't in any place to be defending herself either, and Severus doesn't want to risk anything. He just doesn't like feeling so useless, but it isn't time to wake Hayden just yet, and eventually he settles down to send off an owl. It won't fix everything, and he won't receive the package for a few days- but at least it's something.

He's already made up his mind that it'd be better to give her at least a day of restorative and stabilizing potions before pulling her out of the coma, less risk of any bone or muscle damage that way. The only problem is that it gives him another day with only himself for company. Except, this shouldn't be an issue because after all, he's spent most of his life a solitary man, especially in his post-Hogwarts years. Severus dismisses his agitation as never having been a very idle man, but having a limited amount that he can do while Hayden is taking up space in his home.  Eventually he accepts this day as a loss and instead heads to his chair, a small journal his only pretense of finishing up work instead of watching the woman in his bed sleep until he's ready to drift off himself.

When Hayden awakes, it is to a wet rag pressed against her forehead and a vial pressed against her lips. It's a ghostly familiar feeling and it's only when she opens her eyes that she confirms that it's Severus hovering over her rather than Madame Pomphrey. She opens her mouth to accept the potion, giving a weak smile when she realizes that it's something to help soothe her throat, the icy cool feeling as it goes down a welcome reprieve from her body's current condition. It takes him a moment to coax her into a sitting position but once he has her up, he disappears from the room again before returning with a floating tray and what appears to be a bowl of soup.

"I thought you might like to try and stomach this, first. If not we can do some more potions, but even I must concede that sometimes real food is the best medicine."

Except she can't quite manage to grasp the spoon, and instead makes a distressed noise as she looks up at Snape. The older man goes to turn and head to get the nutrient potion, only to sigh when she shakes her head determinedly and instead he takes the spoon and begins feeding her, allowing himself a half smile when she makes a pleased sound. Hayden accepts each spoonful of soup, trying her best to swallow despite the damage to her throat because it feels good to finally have something her stomach. After a few bites though she shakes her head again, unable to take anymore, and he conjures a glass of water instead. She opens her mouth to thank him, only to find a thin finger pressed against her lips,

"Shush now, I know you must have a lot to say, but your throat still needs to heal. Later on if you feel up to it, you might even get to take a shower. For now you need your rest. Your body has gone through some rather large changes and it still needs time to settle. Try to go back to sleep now, I'll wake you up later."

Hayden considers protesting for half a moment but instead curls back up in her cocoon of blankets and lets exhaustion win. She can take stock of her new body later when it doesn't feel quite so terrible. Except she's not quite sure when that will be. Twice more Severus wakes her up to eat but doesn't let her speak or get out of bed, instead applying a refreshing charm. Which is nice, really, magic is a wonderful thing, but spells can't quite make up for a good shower. At one point she wakes up on her own and rolls over to see Severus sitting in the chair beside the bed, head pillowed in his arms as he sleeps. Hayden isn't quite strong enough to get out of bed on her own yet, but she reaches over and shakes his knee until he startles, trying not to be amused at the way he instinctively clutches for his wand.

"Do you need something?"

Voice still thick she shakes her head and instead pats the bed next to her. Severus continues to stare at her blankly until she huffs slightly and pulls the covers back. all the while giving him a pointed look. There's absolutely no excuse for the man sleeping in a chair when there's plenty of room on the bed and she feels bad enough knowing that he's going so far out of his way to make sure that she's comfortable and okay, without putting him out to that extent. This is his home after all. When Severus opens his mouth to argue, Hayden crosses her arms and raises an eyebrow at him, trying to do her best to convey that even without her voice she wasn't going to let this go quite so easily. He rubs at tired eyes for a second before muttering, 'as you wish' and crosses to the other side to climb into bed, careful not to jostle her as he does. Pleased with herself once more, she curls back up and allows herself to fall back asleep.

When Severus awakes, it is not to the shrill sound of his wards or even to the tones of his alarm spell, but to the unfamiliar feeling of fingers running through his hair. It takes an active effort not to reach up and snatch the hand away, instead reminding himself that the war is over, and even if not, that enemies usually don't use such gentle touch. When he finally opens his eyes, Hayden has propped herself up on her side and is watching quietly as strands of hair move across her hand, before smiling broadly when she realizes that he's awake.

"Morning!"

"Someone's rather chipper this morning. Feeling better?"

Snape's words are still heavy with sleep but she's glad to note that he doesn't seem too upset with her. Hayden isn't quite at 100% yet, but yes, she's feeling much better. Better enough that she's able to hobble out of the bed with a little help from Severus and into the bathroom where she waits patiently as he spells a bathtub into existence. He leaves her at the door with a quiet 'call if you need anything' before leaving to give her some privacy. As soon as the door shuts she turns to look in the mirror, fingers hesitating on the clasp of his robe. She isn't sure why she's stalling, what has her so anxious. Even without seeing she knows that things have changed, but what if she doesn't like the way she looks? She knows she wasn't happy as a man, but what if she pulls off the robe and is still stuck with all the same feeling of wrongness?

There's a sound in the distance, most likely Severus cleaning dishes from earlier, but it's enough to startle her into action. She's come this far, and really there isn't any turning back at this point, so what's the point in assuming the worst. Hayden closes her eyes as she shoves the too large robe off her shoulders, takes a deep breath to steady herself and then gazes at her reflection for the first time.

She'd known even before the coma that she'd be smaller, had seen it in her legs and arms- but can't help but be amazed at the way it all comes together. One hand braced against the counter, Hayden runs the other along her stomach, marveling at the fact that just a few days, and a whole of pain, has changed her body in so many different ways. For now she focuses on the smaller ones, on the fact that she has hips now and a soft stomach, the places where her body tapers. Her breasts aren't large, though this round of potions definitely had had an effect in that area too, part of her is relieved that they aren't. Some of the women she had polyjuiced into had been more top heavy and she'd never quite figured out how to run or get down stairs with them still tucked in the right places. The biggest change is mostly in what isn't there, is in the flat area where a cock had once been, and she knows that if she wanted to, she could spread her legs and see the details of what replaced it- but she isn't... quite ready for that yet.

Her new body is a lot to take in, and isn't that she's unrecognizable, no. The famous scar is still on her forehead, and even if not, she isn't completely foreign, just different, like a sister or a cousin to the person she usually sees in the mirror. There are more sounds from around the house and Hayden sighs before turning back to the tub and running the water. There would be plenty of time to gawk at her reflection after she cleaned herself properly. Carefully she walks around the tub to where the shower is to snag the essentials before turning off the faucet and climbing into warm water.

Hayden emerges from the bathroom almost an hour later, wrapped in a towel and vaguely put off by the fact that the robe she'd been wearing had disappeared. She knows that it's most likely a spell that Severus uses to send his clothes to the laundry but it's still awkward having to leave with so little on. Thankfully the door to the bedroom is closed and she turns her attention to the bundle of clothing left against the bed, unable to stop the smile at the note laying beside it. Severus's untidily scrawled 'hopefully these will fit you better than my robes'.

There's no bra included, which is fine, she hadn't known what size she'd end up so it had seemed pointless to grab one from home before coming, and it's embarrassing enough to see the black underwear there. They're a little bigger than necessary, but she's delighted at the way they lay flat across the front, for the first time ever without polyjuice. The red dress fits slightly better, and she almost gives into the urge to twirl and see how it will spin when a wave of dizzy seems to catch her before she even begins.  There's a thud, and she isn't sure if she actually calls out but she must have considering how fast Severus appears.

"Are you okay?"

"Just got a bit excited that's all. Think I might have pushed it a little far too soon. Thank you for the dress, it's lovely."

The man nods awkwardly, even as he helps her rearrange herself against the bed, handing her pillows so that she can prop herself up, "I thought I'd made it clear that you would still need a few more days to recuperate. Other than that, everything went fine?"

Hayden hums her agreement, accepting the potion's vial that he hands her and even refrains from making a face at the foul taste. It was worth it after all, just a few more days of potions and rest and she'd never have to worry about polyjuice or ridiculously complex semi-legal potions again. When she places the now empty vial on the bedside table she glances up to see Severus watching her with an uneasy expression, drumming his fingers quietly against the bed post.

"I'm still not sure that I'm making the best decision by telling you just yet, but you'd be upset if you found out I hid this from you later. While you were out.... there was a visitor. I know I told you that you couldn't hide from the real world forever, but I'm afraid that you'll need to make a statement sooner rather than later. "

She's about to ask him just what he means when Severus reaches into the folds of his robes and produces the copy of the prophet that Hermione had left the other day. Small fingers trace their outline, doing her best to keep her breathing steady. Yes, he'd told her that she couldn't hide forever, yes she had known she'd have to face everyone eventually, but that didn't mean she knew what to say. More than anything she's uncomfortable with the way the picture makes her feel, looking at this concrete form somewhere between where she's been and what she's become, but also because of the look on her face as the photographed version of her stares at Severus's hand. Hayden isn't quite ready to admit to the emotion playing out there and instead latches onto the other portion of what Severus had said.

"Who came?"


	11. Chapter 11

"I think it's about time you tell me what happened between you and your friends."

He doesn't mean to do it, slip back into his professor voice, but it's hard all things considering. It isn't often that Severus kicks himself over things, especially now that the war is over and really what is there to regret- but right now he just wishes he could go back in time and not show Hayden the prophet. Sure, she would have to deal with what happened eventually, but things had been so nice recently between them, and in a single swoop it was all gone. He had smiled more, or half smiled really, in the past month than he had in the previous years and part of him, a part that he'd thought he'd squashed when the war ended, has risen it's ugly head to sneer that none of those smiles mattered because they all happened in this sort of fantasy land. A fantasy where it was only him and Hayden and she didn't have any friends, or have to go back to work, where he could always save the day and be just what she needed.

Except, he didn't want that, not really. He didn't want Hayden friendless, and while he isn't exactly fond of any of them right now, he doesn't have all the facts either. What he does know is that Granger has been a persistent thorn in his spine since she saw that article, but to his knowledge has kept her word on not telling anyone else considering the lack of Gryffindors pounding down his doors, and that as soon as he'd told Hayden who had come by, their fragile.... friendship? disappeared right before his eyes. Enough so that he'd slept on the couch that night, their only interactions the exchange of potion vials. And now Hayden is sitting at his table pushing around her lunch and can anyone really fault him for saying it like it was her last chance to come clean before being assigned detention.

"Or what? You'll take points from Gryffindor?" If it had had more attitude, he would have taken it, but instead it's said in that same flat voice and Severus gets no pleasure from how down she is.

"It sounds like they'd deserve it."

"They don't, okay? It's all my fault anyway."

"Don't be such a self-sacrificing Gryffindor. I didn't ask for your self degradation, I asked for an explanation. Now if you don't mind." 

He wants to call her Potter now, but knows that while they may have taken steps backwards in their friendship in the past 24 hours that that, that would be the nail in the coffin. And that it wouldn't only lose him Hayden, it would be a blow to her recovery. Severus takes a deep breathe and mentally catalogs his supply shelves while waiting for an answer. It's only as he's gotten to the bottom of that mental stack of shelves that it pays off and her fingers unclench from the edge of the table.

"You know what it was like after the war.... or maybe you don't, I don't remember seeing you there. But.... there was a lot of drinking. Drink to celebrate, drink to forget, drink to keep busy. And everything.... there was a plan. Find Ginny. Rekindle our relationship. Get married. Have 2.5 children, name them after my parents and I don't know... Dumbledore or something. Except one night when drinking we were playing games, don't give me that look I know it was childish, but we were children.... children just done with a war. and someone dared Ginny to make out with a girl, and when she said she'd only make out with me- someone came up with the polyjuice idea. "

There's silence and Severus shifts to look at her again, only to find Hayden biting at the skin of her knuckles, almost unconsciously, that blasted guilty look allover her face once again. Carefully he reaches across the table, much as he had at their first meeting, to hold her hand. Except this time she doesn't panic and pull away, and instead turns to grip his hand in return, staring at their joined hands rather than meeting his face. Which is fine, whatever it takes for her to finally explain.

"It was the most right I'd felt in ages. And for a while, she had no problem with it. I'd use polyjuice to go out in public without anyone knowing who I was. But she thought I needed to get over that too. I needed to accept the stares and the fame, she wasn't going to be happy hiding who she was dating forever. So I stopped- at least to her and everyone elses knowledge. We were... happyish? I guess. I stopped wanting to be with her when I was me, but I was in training and then I was on the field- who could blame an auror for being tired, and she had her quidditch career.... and I guess... I pulled back from the rest as well, because the time that wasn't spent with Ginny or at work, I was hiding the fact that I was using.... I thought we'd be okay though. Except one day Ginny found a pair of knickers in my drawer and thought I'd been sleeping around and.... it's like she said in the howler.... my being tired and withdrawn she could tolerate, my giving to some other woman what I wasn't giving to her.... not so much.

I tried to get in touch with Hermione... hoping maybe she would understand. I remember once back in sixth year she had teased that if I had anything I needed to confess about Draco, that she'd be willing to listen." It's the first smile that Hayden has cracked since she saw the prophet, and it isn't much but he's willing to take it, " I know it's not the same, that my being a woman is on a whole different playing field, but if she was willing to accept that I might be gay...

But Ron was there and she said maybe when things blew over.... and I realized then that they wouldn't. Ron's never going to forgive me for leading his little sister on or for this." 

It's a loose motion of the wrist on her free hand, one that he's sure is supposed to have meaning, but legilimency aside he never did inherit Dumbledore's knack for mind reading, "For this?"

"For being a freak."

"Hayden, you are no freak. You are a woman who happened to grow up with the world thinking you a man. No, hush now, there are not many trans witches and wizards, but they do exist. The fact that the potion existed at all is a good sign of that, isn't it?"

"Or that there are other freaks. Doesn't make this.... normal."

"Once upon a time I was friends with a trans wizard. He'd have cursed you if he heard you muttering such nonsense, however he's not around any longer. Hayden, I have had the opportunity to watch you grow into a beautiful young woman, and if your friends cannot appreciate you in whatever form you feel happiest, then they're the ones with a problem."

"It's been over half a year, Snape," he doesn't pull back at his last name, though he's tempted to, understands that she's not even upset with him, but with everything, "half a year. and nothing. If they were that mad at me for cheating on Ginny.... "

"Hayden... at what point did you leave Grimmauld?"

"I don't remember. I guess a week or so after Ginny left. I couldn't.... she left everything there and I couldn't give it back to her but I didn't want to destroy it either. So I just warded the place up and left."

"Miss Granger, in one of the few attacks on my person that she has launched since seeing that picture.... mentioned that her owls had been bouncing. She was rather distraught when she showed up at my shop that first night. I think she may be under the impression that I'm experimenting a new line of love potions on you."

Hayden frowns before tugging her hand away from him, and Severus can't help but feel like he's lost ground again, that maybe the joke was in poor taste all things considering. Except that she doesn't shove from the table, just crosses her arms and huffing slightly, " You didn't have any problem finding me, why should they have?"

"That you'll have to take up with them. But to do such, you'll first need to speak to them. And do cut them a small break, not everyone can be Severus Snape." and it's said with just a haughty enough air, one he doesn't necessarily feel at the moment, but it's enough because it makes her smile.

and that's something he can work with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully no one wants to throw rotten tomatoes at me.
> 
> I know.  
> I know.  
> we all want to hate the Gryffindors.  
> I mean we still might get a chance to hate the Gryffindors- after all, beyond Hermione we don't really know what any of them think of everything...


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I want to reply to y'alls comments but I cannnn't because I risk spoilers or setting myself up for something I might decide to change. But I do have it on good faith that at least a few of y'all will be happy with the outcome of this chapter.

She isn't exactly rebuffing his expertise, but Severus can't help but be slightly irritated with the cloak of secrecy Hayden is taking in regard to getting back in touch with her friends. He's glad that she's agreed to reach out at all, but the Slytherin in him knows that this is something you have an action plan for, something that you talk out and make strategic decisions regarding. Instead she had dismissed him with a 'I know them better than you' and when he'd argued that perhaps, but if it wasn't for him she wouldn't be giving them a second chance at all, she'd countered with but a single word. One he couldn't argue with, 'Please'.

It'd be smarter to confront the Weasley clan together, though perhaps pull either Ginerva or Ronald to the side first. Feel out the rest of their reactions, Severus hated relying on stereotypes but he'd heard that Finnegan and Thomas has been a couple once and considering gay men weren't wildly accepted in the magical world either, they'd probably be more understanding. The part of him that plans in his sleep wants to mention that she should also create a battle plan in terms of coming out to the world, and if he's being honest, it's mostly because he's curious what her plan is. She hadn't cashed in on her fame just yet, not really, and it would be relatively easy for her to use her status as the woman who lived to try and make changes for other people like her. He knows that if she and Hermione make up, that the bushy haired witch will most likely push her into that, pick it up as her next pet cause. He almost wants to pre-emptively stress that she doesn't have to, that while hiding isn't that easy, she isn't required to do anythings he doesn't want.

Wants to offer to let her hide here, to ask her if she wants to stay with him. It's a ridiculous urge, purely ridiculous and it's as he's debating what to say that the ringing starts again. Hayden is still sitting at the table working on a letter to who knows who, and he mutters something about having to check on something in the shop, huffing slightly when she only waves her hand in dismissal.

It's with wand in hand that he goes down the stairs, but he's surprised to realize that it is neither a potential thief or a certain bushy haired pest, but one miss Lovegood standing at his door, arms crossed but with an admittedly dreamy look on her face. With a few motions of his wand, the wards are dropped and she smiles before opening the door and coming in.

"Thank you, Professor, I wasn't sure you were going to come down."

"I haven't been a Professor in many years Miss Lovegood. I presume Mrs. Weasley-nee-Granger sent you?"

It's hard to be stern with the young Ravenclaw. Severus knows of course that the girl is only a little younger than the woman currently inhabiting his kitchen but Luna has always struck him as much younger than her peers. 

"Oh I know, Professor. Yet you still have so much to teach and no, I haven't spoken to Hermione lately. May I ask you where she is?"

"Miss Lovegood, you didn't come knocking at my shop at this hour to ask for the where-abouts of that particular Know-it-all, I am hardly keeping the Gryffindor roster."

"Don't be silly, Sir. I'm asking about Harry. Where is she?"

It's then that the sound of feet coming down the stairs causes Severus to turn his head, just in time to see Hayden freeze on the stairs, eyes locked on the blond woman in front of him. To Luna's credit she doesn't gasp, only smiles and starts to walk towards her friend, stopping at the bottom of the stairs. Severus isn't sure if she's trying to give Hayden her space or simply being respectful of where the store ends and his home begins, but is grateful all the same.

"You look beautiful."

Hayden gives a shaky smile to the compliment, but sill appears more disconcerted than not, "How'd you find me?"

"The flixenbottems of course. Flixenbottoms are always active when great transformations are taking place, of course it's rather hard to get one to slow down enough to figure out where they're going, but it was worth the effort."

Severus gives her a slight look, but Hayden doesn't seem to be alarmed by this comment so he allows it to pass and instead continues to watch the pair as they talk. It's hard to follow the conversation, something about looking for creatures that Severus doesn't recognize the names of, and a spare comment about Neville's escapades. He's surprised to hear that Longbottom has made a name for himself as an auror, and horrified to hear he's considering becoming a professor himself.  Every few minutes Hayden appears to gain a little bit more courage and come down another step, until finally she's in the shop and Luna pulls her into a hug.

From there the conversation becomes more animated, Hayden relaxing into the flow once she realizes that Luna really isn't going to ask for anything that she isn't willing to give. Happy to hear the latest news about most of their friends. He stands there, watching them quietly, trying to ignore the growing feeling of unsettlement in his stomach until Severus smiles a tight half-smile, one Hayden has told him looks more grimace than kind and makes his excuses to leave.

Hayden, for her part, sends him a concerned look before telling him not to wait up for her, that she and Luna are going out to muggle London and she's not sure when they'll be back. He agrees to leave the wards down for her,should she wish to come back later in the evening before disappearing up the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I realize there were a bunch of chapters back to back and then... radio silence for a bit. My father... had a bad med reaction and.... is in the hospital for making an attempt on his life. and uh... I'm just trying to deal with that. so chapters will be more spaced out.  
> .....  
> I wrote that note when I started working on this chapter in december.
> 
> wow.  
> He is out of the hospital. and I'm just... yeah.  
> It's short but I knew if I didn't get it out I was just going to sit on it for another month.  
> I'll try to get back in the swing of things.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote this like nine times because I couldn't decide if   
> a. Hayden just didn't come back that night.  
> b. Hayden and Luna go get drunk and Hayden comes back drunk.  
> c. There's no drama over her leaving that night.  
> d. Severus gets drunk and angry.  
> or   
> e. Severus gets drunk and pathetic.
> 
> I can't remember what the other options were. In the end, I think I'm happy with this one because I took a bit more time to do the Hayden +Luna thing and Hayden needs more friends.

"You're sure you don't mind?"

"What's there to mind?"

And she says it with such surety and at the same time such lightness that Hayden can't help but relax into the fingers that are currently gliding through black hair. They'd made a last minute decision to apparate further out to a small restaurant that Luna was fond of, though to be honest Hayden wasn't quite sure where they even were- though if she had to guess the locals were speaking Swedish. If the ease at which the blond cast the translation spell on the menu was any indication, the language barrier wasn't something that bothered Luna too much. It was only once they were outside in the park, bellies full and moods light, that Hayden realizes that the barrier is also a boon in many ways. They don't have to watch what they say here or worry about someone coming along and realizing who she is.

"How is staying with the Professor, anyway?"

If it had been anyone else, they would have assumed. The war had been over for years now and still most of her peers struggled with the cognitive dissonance that came with realizing that without Snape it was very likely they would have lost the war but still disliking him for the treatment they'd received in school. If on the off chance that Ron did accept her back in the fold, she could imagine the commentary that he'd have. If he asked at all it would be a loaded question, "So how horrible was it to stay with the Greasy Git?" Some of the others might not have been as harsh, but there would still be the presumption there. That even if she said it was okay- that it was just gratitude for what he had done for her, not an honest appraisal. It's only Luna's honest neutrality, no assumption in either direction, that makes Hayden open up.

"It's not exactly a walk in the park by any means.... sometimes I still feel like I'm five seconds from getting a detention- but he's been really nice for the most part. It feels weird to say that, Severus isn't exactly someone I think any one of us would have associated that word with before. He's been really gentle with me throughout the whole thing too, even coaxed me out of hiding. I know that since everything is finally done, and I seem to have my strength back- I should probably start looking around for a new job and move back to grimmauld- or at least decorate the apartment that I got when I left there....."

"If you aren't ready to go back, you could always come stay with me, or I could help you decorate the apartment so it feels more like home. Either way you have to come by and see the new mural I did. It's lovely really, I got some new paints that-" Luna stops mid sentence when she feels Hayden's head drop into her hands, pulling strands from the braid she'd been fixing. "Except that's not the issue, is it?"

There's still no response and Luna crosses to sit next to her friend, wrapping an arm around the woman's shoulders, "Oh Hayden."

"It's ridiculous. I'm ridiculous. Don't worry about it. It actually would be really nice to have your help with decorating the apartment. I don't know what I'll do with Grimmauld, but without her.... it just wouldn't feel right anymore. Making the place feel more like home is a great idea. "

There's a pause, and for a moment she thinks that the other woman will pursue the line of thought further, butLuna allows the change in the conversation and they toss ideas back and forth, about how to paint the place, about redoing the closet so that she can organize her clothes better, the bathroom so that there's more storage for makeup- little things that Hayden hadn't had to think of until recently. As they talk they move from sitting on the park bench to instead walking around the park, enjoying the crisp air as they move from decorating the apartment to possibly going shopping sometime in the next weeks to look for jewelry and pretty dresses. It's nice to just walk and talk, and it's as Hayden goes to express this to Luna, just how grateful she is to have her as a friend again- that the sun slowly begins to rise above a nearby lake and she realizes it's beyond time to get home. The girls exchange a long hug and Hayden promises again to owl her soon before apparating back into Severus's living room.

What she sees there makes her heart sink. The older man is half curled up in his chair by the fire, a mostly empty liquor bottle and open book sitting next to him on the floor. It's with a mixture of fondness and worry that she imagines him just hours before drinking as he read, possibly glancing anxiously at the clock as he waited for her to return or pacing around the room anxiously as he was prone to do. Of course, she acknowledges, he may have just felt the need to unwind after having Luna intrude in his space, but while she considers the possibility it seems a lot less likely. After all, the man had never been quiet about his displeasure in regards to anyone else in his shop, and while something had seemed slightly off earlier that evening- he hadn't seemed angry or annoyed at her friend.

There's no real way to know what he was up to or why, but even as thick headed as he might have accused her of being years ago- even Hayden knows how uncomfortable it would be to sleep in a chair like that. It's obvious that she should try and get him into bed, but the less obvious struggle she's facing is how to go about doing it. Quietly she crosses the room and does her best to try and pick him up without waking him- except even before the transformation Severus had been much taller than her, and now it was even more obvious. It's with a slurred mumble that he awakes and she's able to get his arm pulled around her shoulder and together they slowly teeter towards the bedroom. Severus climbs into bed, muttering quiet nonsense as he does and Hayden goes to walk away- to grab a blanket and curl up on the couch, except Severus reaches out to grab her sleeve, suddenly more awake than asleep.

"You came back?"

"I told you not to wait up."

"You came back." This time it isn't a question, but a pleased comment to self as he scoots backwards on the bed before continuing to tug on her sleeve until Hayden gives a bemused laugh and climbs in next to him. It isn't the first time that they've slept together in the bed, and she tries to tell herself that it doesn't mean anything. He's still drunk and sleepy, but it's hard to maintain that when the man decides that they shouldn't sleep on opposite sides, but instead carefully wraps his much larger form around her, tucking his head under hers after leaving a dry kiss to her shoulder. It isn't sexual or even romantic, but Hayden can't help but wrap her arms around him and mentally pray to merlin that he isn't upset with her in the morning for having seen this side of him. It probably doesn't mean what she wants it to mean, heaven knows some of the things she'd done while drunk right after the war- but it's so open and vulnerable that there's no combating the warmth spreading within her.

Even if he is upset, she can't say that she regrets it. Not really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'why didn't Hayden use magic to get Sev to bed?'  
> because after the war I just don't think one previous soldier would do that to another. having magic used on you without your consent after a war would probs be terrifying.  
> that being said- this is also obviously a much more mentally sound Severus than I usually head canon considering he didn't just hex her or freak out when he woke up.   
> .....Ijustwantmybabiestobehappyandhealthyforonce.


	14. Chapter 14

There's a subtle pounding in his head but even half asleep and hungover, Severus can't help but feel like he isn't as miserable as he should be. For starters, his neck isn't aching and he's far too warm with a solid weight against his chest. Sometime through out the night they'd shifted and when he opens his eyes, it's to the sight of a black braid beneath his nose and Hayden's arm slung across him. There's a stifled groan as the previous night slowly begins to return to him, and as carefully as he can manage, he wriggles out from beneath her and quietly tiptoes out of bedroom.

A large part of him wants to reach for a hangover potion but there's still a significant piece that believes that this is punishment and he deserves to be in pain. If not for the drinking itself, for whatever occurred for him to wake up with an armful of Gryffindor. He vaguely remembers drinking and reading the latest addition to a Potion's Treatise regarding the validity of Eastern magical practices, or at least pretending to read the damned thing. Mostly he'd been watching the clock and mentally drafting angry letters to Granger or the Weasley twit, especially as the level on his scotch got lower and lower. It's easy to be angry at Granger who couldn't get Hayden's pronouns right even when she wasn't in the room, even when she'd been corrected multiple times, even easier to be angry at the woman who had driven Hayden from her home with baseless accusations. Harder to accept that he wasn't angry at either of them, and it was only when he'd briefly entertained packing all of Hayden's stuff up so that it'd be easy to take with her when she finally came back, that he considered that he might be jealous of the blond that had flitted into his shop earlier that evening.

Luna was around Hayden's age, was witty and above all else, kind. Besides, he had no reason to even suspect that Hayden had ever even thought about being with a man and while he wasn't personally attracted to Miss Lovegood, he knew the woman had her charms. Sure it might have been a slight shift, from Harry Potter the straight man, to Hayden the lesbian- but it'd make sense. And even if it wasn't about attraction, Severus couldn't delude himself that his recent Gryffindor roommate would be interested in staying once she realized that she not only had friends, but supportive ones. He'd been about to stand up, about to begin getting Hayden's stuff together, when his head had suddenly felt like it was both whirling and had screeched to a complete stop. What did he even care if Hayden was attracted to men? The thought was enough to cause him to pour another two fingers.

He isn't sure what all occurred in between there and this morning, but there's a piece of a memory of kissing her shoulder and he's not sure he'll ever be able to look Hayden in the eye again. The woman hadn't exactly cringed or pulled back, at least not that he could remember, but it was... he hated using the word but it was embarrassing. Of all the ridiculous things for him to have done, it might not have been the worst- at least he didn't assault her person or confess his sudden realization, but it was up there. With a final groan, this one louder than the first, he scrubs a hand over his face absentmindedly before finally giving in and going to search for a hangover potion. If he was going to beat himself up over last night's indiscretion- there was no need to be battling a headache as well.

Hangover finally abated Severus makes the decision to take a shower. While the hot water might not wash away his previous stupidity, it will at least give him time and perhaps a fresh perspective on what exactly he should do next. There was always the preemptive apology though the idea of saying sorry, especially when he doesn't know what all occurred, doesn't strike him as very in character. A sudden apology would probably be more suspicious than pretending it never happened and only addressing the situation if Hayden brought it up. Hayden was probably just as likely to pretend it didn't happen and if not, the woman had opened up about stories of her own while drinking after the war- it wasn't like she could get mad at him for being slightly more affectionate than usual. Maybe he could claim that he didn't realize it was her? If only that wouldn't invite possible questions about what kinds of women that he normally had traipsing about his apartment. The small part of him, the naive hopeful voice that seemed intent to live on despite many attempts to stamp it out, feels the need to point out that she might return his feelings and if so- lying would only make the situation messy and ruin his already small chances.

Rinsing the shampoo out of his hair he turns his mental energy back towards less personal issues, namely whether or not Luna's recent appearance means that Granger has told everyone where Hayden is. Hayden seemed keen to believe the ravenclaw's explanation, but Severus doesn't exactly trust the bushy haired gryffindor to continue to keep her mouth shut much longer. Even if Luna was being honest it's only a matter of time before someone else shows up at his door asking for Hayden if she doesn't come public soon. There's too many different factors at play and it's enough to keep his mind from bumbling over other issues. He thinks on this until the water begins to run cold and he's finally ready to step out of the shower. Severus begins toweling off before pulling on a pair of slacks and a button down. It's only when he's exited the bathroom, still trying to towel off his hair that he hears the cough and realizes that Hayden is no longer asleep in bed, but sitting on the end of it kicking her feet.

Severus opens his mouth to speak but when she smiles at him he finds that all the previous thoughts go fleeing and he's left gaping. There's a click as he snaps his jaw shut, and he's thankful that he's too dignified to blush as he mutters a good morning before fleeing to the kitchen to make breakfast. Hayden appears just as the eggs are being served and Severus is reaching for the jams for toast, and he places everything on the table and between them before handing her a plate. 

"I would like to apologize for my behavior last night, it was entirely unprofessional. It's been a while since I imbibed and "

"Severus," there's a hand on his and he collects a breath before finally looking the woman in the eye, still needlessly anxious over what she might have to say. "You are the most ridiculous man that I have ever met. Apparently, not only are we still only on professional terms- but needing to be helped to bed after drinking is unprofessional, but breaking into my apartment all those weeks ago wasn't?"

For a split second he almost jumps to his defense, except Hayden isn't judging him, and before he has a chance to say anything she's continuing. "Really, I find it almost offensive at this point that you'd apologize for not being a professional. I'd like to think at this point that we're friends?"

"Of course. Of course we're friends. "

Friends.

Severus isn't sure if he's relieved or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and in the next chapter:
> 
> -significantly less, though possibly not completely without, headached severus trying to figure out his own feelings.
> 
> \- The good, the bad, and the ugly: gryffindor edition.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Strong language warning. Specifically against Trans and Gay individuals. also my ending note. Being rated teen feel like I should mention that.

The potions master is halfway through a calming potion when he hears the commotion coming from upstairs, and he’s finished putting the stasis charm on his work before it occurs to him that the wards haven’t gone off. It’s this thought, the exact opposite of comforting, that has him apparating straight into the living room in order to figure out what has gone on. Part of him is relieved to notice Hayden sitting at the kitchen table, her face buried in crossed arms, but even knowing that no one else has been here doesn’t mean that he trusts that initial rush of ‘at least she’s okay.’

All of his cabinets are open, dishes cracked and slung across the room, the other seats pushed back from the table, the curtain above his sink ripped. Most likely an outburst of accidental magic considering the amount of time that it had happened in, but it’s still worrisome. Especially because Hayden doesn’t look up when he enters the room, doesn’t even seem to realize that someone else is there.

“Well, at least you haven’t been introduced to the good china.”

He expects a glare or maybe a stuck out tongue or a shaky laugh, but instead there’s still silence and he isn’t sure what to do now. Severus has never been the best at handling emotional situations, but retreating isn’t an option. Not with Hayden in as much pain as she seems to be. 

The past few days had been uneasy at best, a strange sort of tension in the air. He’d stayed mostly busy with reopening the shop and every night one of them would go to grab a blanket to sleep on the couch only to be coaxed into sharing the bed. It felt like a ritual of sorts, more for show, as if getting into bed together without some sort of fuss was impossible. Each night they’d fallen asleep on separate sides of the bed and each morning he’d wake up with an arm over his chest or his own numb from being wrapped around her. Other than that, there were a few nice moments over breakfast but usually by lunch and dinner they’d be arguing over what was to come.

Yesterday Hayden had owled her old friends, the entire Gryffindor cohort against Severus’s warning. He’d tried to tell her that it’d be best to test the waters with one or two of them first, and yet this doesn’t feel like a victory. Even the most immature part of him can’t muster up an ‘I told you so’ as he collects a chair and pulls it so that he can sit next to her. Thin fingers awkwardly rub at her back in an effort to be soothing until finally Hayden releases the crumbled parchment only to turn and clutch at his robes instead, burying her face in the fabric as she attempts to choke back sobs.

Severus wraps one arm firmly around her shoulders, making mindless ‘shhhhhh it’ll be okay’ remarks as he plucks the letter from the table in an attempt to understand what has her so upset. The blood slowly drains from his face the longer he stares at the words printed there.

“I’ll kill her. It’s not like it could tarnish my soul anymore than the last decade has. I know of at least two untraceable poisons that I’m sure I could have slipped into her tea or if you object to killing perhaps just a case of incurable boils-”

“Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. You won’t do anything because she’s right. I’m a monster.”

“Hayden, you are no monster. She is a silly, self centered, emotionally compromised twit who is lashing out in an attempt to hurt you. Please don’t let her effect you like this.”

“Fine. Not a monster. Maybe you prefer some of the other things she said. Faggot? Freak? Trap? A miserable excuse for not only a man, but a human being? I wish I lied. I wish she still thought I cheated on her. She’s right. I’ll never be woman- I’m just a freak with mommy issues.”

As carefully as he can, he pulls Hayden away from his shoulder and forces her to look him in the eye, “You are not a miserable excuse for a person or a freak or any of those other cruel things she called you. You are the only reason this blasted excuse for a wizarding community is still standing. You are strong and smart and beautiful. You are a beautiful, strong witch who only recently was able to make your body match the way you feel. There is nothing wrong with you. Only something wrong with her for refusing to see you for who you really are.”

“I’m not though. I’m a freak. A freak. No one is ever going to accept me like this.”

There’s nothing left that Severus can do except for pull Hayden back into his arms and hold her as she sobs. Mentally he goes over the list of reasons why killing the youngest weasley would be a terrible idea. He had known that the family tended towards more traditional moral values, they were still purebloods after all, and Molly Weasley definitely had a tongue in her head, but it was hard to imagine that they would approve of the level of vitriol that their daughter was sending Hayden’s way.

Eventually she quiets enough and Severus is able to get her to drink a glass of water and head into the bathroom to take a shower. The man takes a moment to discard his now dirty robe before drawing his wand, first to send off a patronus and then to make a few adjustments to his wards. He may not be able to stop anyone else from replying to Hayden- but he can ensure that all future owls have to come to him first and there are a few other minor changes he feels the need to make. It’s only as he is replacing his wand in it’s holster that Hayden finally comes back into the living room. She’s wearing a simple black dress and seems to still be fighting back the occasional sniffle and all the anger that he’d been brooding on flees.

“Come on, why don’t you let me brush your hair. We don’t have to talk about anything if you don’t want to.”

It’s a shot in the dark, really, something he’d seen Slytherin girls do throughout his time as a head of house, but Hayden smiles at him before disappearing to grab her brush and hand it to him. The living room is quiet, nothing more than the sound of their breathing as he runs it though wet locks, trying his best not to pull when it catches in knots.

“I’m sorry about all this. I didn’t mean to make a mess of your robes.”

“Shush. My robes are the least of my concerns right now. I’m glad you’re feeling slightly better though. I know a shower won’t erase what you’ve been exposed to…”

“No… no. I needed to know. I think… I think part of me still believed that we could get back together. I know it’d be strange for her- to go from loving a man to a woman…. but I thought maybe if she really loved and supported me…”

“I’m sorry Hayden. I don’t think that is on the table though, and while perhaps it is better to know sooner than later- I hate you had to find out in such a manner.”

“At least she didn’t hex the paper, though if I wake up in the morning and my face is made of bats-“ it’s not much in the way of humor, but it’s something and Severus will take it.

“I’ll know exactly who to turn into a frog.”

“Severus” It looks like she’s going to say more, but stops short when there’s a knock coming from the direction of the stairs. Hayden stills completely, surprised when Severus doesn’t seemed concerned at all, just calling out in that direction that it’s okay to come through. He can feel her lean backwards into him and then relax when the first of the pair comes in- only to tense once more when she realizes that Luna isn’t alone.

“Hayden! Are you okay? The Professor wasn’t very clear, just asked me to come by. I hope neither of you mind that I brought Neville along? it’s just that he was with me when I got your doe, Sir.”

Severus wants to snark that whether he’s okay with it or not remains to be seen, but opts to watch Hayden’s reaction instead. Neville had definitely grown since he’d entered his classroom as a stuttering boy all those years ago, the war had aged him into someone worth respecting- at least, Severus might if the man handled this well and didn’t further upset the apple cart. Hayden for her part allows herself to be pulled off the couch and into Luna’s arms for a hug before turning to look at him- more visibly hesitant than the day of the Final Battle.

“Hayden now, is it?”

She nods, and Severus can almost hear every bad word that Ginny had written going through her head. A piece of him wants to reach out, to lay a comforting hand on her shoulder even now. Instead he watches as Neville steps forward and pulls the woman into a large hug, picking her up off her feet with the motion before setting her down and stepping back with a grin.

“It’s nice to finally get to meet you, Hayden. Or at least this part of you. You could have told me before, man. Or well.. woman. I won’t lie and say that Luna didn’t prep me a bit for what to expect- but I’m happy that you’re happy.”

“Really? You understand?”

“Hayden, I faced a giant snake- and willingly stepped foot in Professor Snape’s loft for you. Learning a new name and some pronouns is the least that I’m willing to do.”

This time it’s Hayden who initiates the hug, and Severus steps back, still uncomfortable by the large shows of public affection. When she lets Neville go, it’s with a shy smile and a teasing look in his direction.

“You should know that he doesn’t like to be called the Professor. Says it reminds him of terrible times.”

“Well what are we supposed to call him, Severus?” It’s incredulous, and the man in question does his best to convey that he is not to be a source of amusement for them, only to throw his hands up and huff that he has potions to brew when he hears her next quip.

“That’s what I call him, though he said Master works just as well.”

Gryffindors. Blast the entire lot of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So- holy fuck.
> 
> a. I really need to stop writing in the ao3 box. like I've accidentally deleted everything I've written before. but this was different? because like it also in all one swoop- got rid of the author's note up top? and I'm really not sure how that happened. and I'm really ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh because like.... I was almost done with the chapter. Over a thousand words and an author's note just.... poof. Not a happy camper and really really confused about how that happened. 
> 
> Shout out to Merlenyn because I read their message and was like 'nope I have to rewrite this now. Not going to let it go back to being weeks between chapters.' (also because I have to find the silver lining somewhere. I was planning to stop somewhere near the hairbrush scene and it ended up twice as longish?)
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed.


	16. Chapter 16

Severus considers creating a chart to keep up with them all briefly, before ultimately deciding that it'd be too much of a Granger-like behavior. His living room is currently inhabited not by one, not by two, but four gryffindors and he's starting to get twitchy. Before Hayden he'd never even had a former student in his home, not even Draco who stopped by the shop often enough. Then again, before Hayden he wouldn't have allowed a lot of things.

"I really am sorry about Ginny. We've gone drinking a few times since you split- knew she was upset but then again, if I thought the man I was going to marry was cheating on me- I'd be pissed too. This though? she's out of her head."

"I'm just relieved that so far she's the only one to react that way. It was starting to feel like second year all over again."

"Never going to let us live that one down, are you? You talked to a snake, that's still bloody weird."

"And like this is any less weird?"

"Hayden, mate, you're the only person I know who can do that parseltongue stuff. Girls? Those are a dime a dozen. It'll take a bit to get used to, but it isn't enemy of the heir territory by any means."

"Still grateful that you're fine with it. I don't think you realize just how terrified I was to owl you."

Seamus gives half a shrug before leaning back against Dean and Severus can't help but wonder if Hayden catches the slight roll of the eyes. He'd argue that there's a slight difference between seeking for the opposite team and total gender reconstruction- but he's already had his daily gloat over the fact that not only was he correct that the pair dated in school, but that they'd accept her. Apparently enough to risk the snake's nest and their evil former potions master. His pleasure at that fact is slightly muted by the aggravation of actually having them there. At least if Luna had been there he'd have felt comfortable enough to go downstairs, but it hadn't been the young ravenclaw that had reached out but Longbottom himself. Apparently Luna was busy working on the Quibbler, but they'd wanted to see which of the other Gryffindors would be willing to come around. So he's stuck pretending to read through this treatise instead of brewing. It's another little thing that Hayden had changed, though he wouldn't admit to why he gave in so easily.

It'd come up over one of their not-fights. The stilted conversation around when Hayden was going to try and find another job, or if she was going to return to the aurors. She'd confirmed that she probably wasn't going to go back to the aurors, that she didn't know how comfortable she'd feel there or if they'd even allow her to keep her position when this all came out. Other than that? Hayden had side stepped the issue by asking what he was going to do once she left, other than work himself to death. Severus had put up a minor argument out of pirde, he'd run his shop for this long by himself after all, but had agreed to hire a shop keep to man the store anyway, conceding that having done so earlier would have kept him from having to close his shop for over a week. Hayden had teased him almost relentlessly about finally having gained some sense, but he takes it a far cry better than he would if she'd know that he'd conceeded so quickly for the sake of having more time to spend with her. He was becoming increasingly more aware that she'd have to rejoin the real world soon, and that once that happened he was likely to become a foot note in her history once more.

It's with that unpleasant reminder that Severus notices the owl knocking against his kitchen window. Checking to see that Hayden is still engaged with her conversation with the terrible trio, he opens the glass and collects the letter before shooing the bird out. It's with a tight expression that he stuffs the parchment into the pocket of his slacks before heading into the bedroom, casting a final glance to make sure that Hayden hasn't noticed his off behavior. The last thing he wants to do is ruin the afternoon she's having with her friends. There may have been the occasional comment out of line, but in general Severus was pleased with how well the Gryffindors were taking everything. He isn't sure whether Hayden had been that eloquent and clear in her letter to everyone or if Luna has done some major prepping- but it is ultimately relieving that there seems to be more and more names on the 'Unquestionably supports Hayden' list. 

Severus rereads the first line of the letter multiple times before setting it down on the dresser. It isn't the first time that the Weaslette's owl has come straight to him, it is however the first that it didn't start with various slurs. He'd marked one of them up with red ink and a comment about 'Perhaps Molly would care to be enlightened her daughter has such a tongue.' before tossing it into the fire. The idea of sending it to Molly gave him a brief bit of satisfaction but in the end, they still didn't know how much Ginny had revealed to her mother and he wasn't sure who all Hayden wanted to know at this stage.

If the first sentence had also been the last, maybe he would have shown it to Hayden, but despite the lack of harmful words he can't help but wonder if the owl would do more harm than good. Rubbing his temples, he slumps into the chair by his desk unsure of what he's supposed to do next. If it had continued to be more of the same, there was no harm in not letting Hayden know more letters were coming in. One didn't have to be told more than once that someone thinks they're terrible to understand that the person doesn't like them.

But this wasn't more slurs, or more attacks on Hayden's character. He isn't sure what to call it, to be honest. The first line almost reads like an apology, the rest of it is such vile nonsense wrapped in supposedly nice phrases- the closest thing he can compare it too is if Umbridge had taken up letter writing. Then again, even Umbridge had shown more sense than the youngest Weasley. With a frustrated grimace he shoves the faux apology into his desk drawer before pulling on his outer robe so that he can leave. It might not be the best idea to leave the terrible two (Neville and Hayden were hardly terrible) in his home without supervision, but at this point if he continues to stew at home Hayden is likely to figure out something is up.

And he doesn't want her to know.

Whether that's that he doesn't want her to know that he's upset, or about the letter, Severus isn't quite sure. What he does know is that Hayden deserves much better than the lot she's been given if he can honestly assess a situation and see himself as the lesser of two evils- at least in terms of social companions. Not that he wants to be her companion. It's just that even he, as dark and unsociable as he is, even with the history that the two of them shared- was clearly the most accepting person in her life, perhaps bar Luna. Definitely much better than that red headed she-devil. Writing deceitful letters. Apologizing for 'over reacting' and 'not understanding', only to go and blame Hayden's situation on the war and say that they should get back together. That she'd help 'him' feel like a man again.  It's a ridiculous idea. No amount of therapy or coercion could make Hayden a man- but it could definitely make the woman terrified of her own skin. Something he'd just worked so hard to end.

It's on this upsetting note that he disappears down the stairs of his shop without a goodbye,though he had lingered by the doorway for a second watching them- but Hayden had her back to him and really, he was a grown man. He could come and go as he pleased. He'd come and gone as he'd pleased, without saying hello or goodbye to anyone for years, there's no reason for that to change now. He refuses to feel guilty about it, about leaving, about the letter, about anything. 

The first stop is a shady store on the outskirts of Knockturn, the kind where the shopkeep knows his name but doesn't smile in greeting. It's the kind of place he feels the need to cast a cleaning charm on himself when exiting, but that isn't enough to stop him from entering, and when he leaves it is only after sliding a small parcel in his robes. From there he drifts to more mainstream places, ignores the looks he receives on streets. The glares from former students, the  misguided adoration on a few faces, the frowns- he ignores them all. Severus knows that they aren't for his benefit anyway, and if they want to hate him- who is he to care. It's only after he leaves the bookstore, magicked parcel tucked in the folds of his robes that he hears it.

"Snape!"

He's tempted to turn on heel and apparate immediately, knows that there's nothing good that could come from this- his mood already soured from the morning, barely lifted by the fresh air. But if he leaves, she'll only follow, the witch has proved persistent enough after all. So instead he stops, but refuses to turn around. If she wants to see his face she will have to come around, it is none of his concern. He is giving her enough of his time by simply waiting for her to catch up. Except when she does, she doesn't seem to know what to say, face contorted in a partial grimace.

"Snape."

"That is my patronym, I believe I acknowledged that when I stopped. However, if you have nothing intelligent to say I will continue on with my day. Things to do, people to see, all much more interesting than standing here looking at your visage Miss Granger."

"How is... how is........ How are they?"

"How is she. That would be the question you are attempting to ask, I assume."

Hermione gives an exaggerated sigh before nodding, "How is she?"

"I believe that it was agreed that if she wished to speak to you, that she would owl you herself. Has she not done so?" It's said with a cold tone, but to be honest, he's curious. Severus had assumed that Hayden had reached out to Hermione and her red headed side kick when the woman had sent out her owl previously. After all, she was much closer with those two than the Gryffindors that were currently invading his living room.

"I.... yes. But there wasn't much of an explanation at all, just a note to ask Luna of all people if I wanted to know about.... about the change. Except you know how Luna is, I even tried talking to her, but she just went on and on about how she always knew because of the way that the zygbies or something reacted to... to her. Mostly she said she needed time.  Harry's never been the best with words really. I'm respecting his- her right to space, I just want to know that she's okay. I was over at the Burrow recently and Ginny.... I just need to know that she's okay."

"Hayden."

"Hayden?"

"Her name is Hayden. I'm sure that much will get back to you soon enough. If Miss Weasley knows what is good for her, she will stop trying to contact Hayden- but I can say for now, that very little of what that vile trollop has tried to attack Hayden with has gotten through to her. Let the record show though that I will not be held accountable for my actions should she actually do any damage to Hayden."

There's a tense sort of silence, though Severus notes that the woman's grimace has fallen away to something else- something much more confused than upset, and then there's a nod. "Thank you. I.... I don't know.  I don't know what's going on with Harry. I don't like things that I don't understand and to be quite honest, I'm upset that she was willing to come to you with everything and not me. But... thank you. Hurt feelings aside, it's good to know that someone cares about her the way you do Sir.... Thank you. I won't bother you again."

With that she turns and dashes off before he can make another snark remark, and Severus is left standing by the shop door gaping in what must be an unappealing fashion. Though he's not sure what has floored him more, Granger giving in, the seemingly sincere thank you, or the utterly outlandish accusation that he cares.

Until today, he wouldn't have even considered that the average Gryffindor thought he had a heart- much less that he had the capacity to care about someone. The absolute nerve of that girl.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my gosh.  
> This has over 100 kudos now.  
> oh my gosh  
> oh my gosh.
> 
> also anyway- trying to get an even spread of like... what it's like to come out.  
> Like there are people who are absolutely horrid. and there are people who are amazing. and then there are people who try hard and still slid up. and there are people who down play the struggle while still being kind of okay but it's still like 'stop that.' Like they mean well usually? (Some of them don't. some of them it's gross and just like 'your problem isn't a real problem.) but yeah. [also is Ginny up to something? Ginny's up to something. Whether she really believe she's doing something for the best reasons- or is just trying to cause damage is the question.] (and is Hermione up to something? that is the question of the hour.)
> 
> Since the last update I: Turned 22. Went to DC. It snowed a metric fuck ton and I missed like two weeks of work. (and didn't have power a lot of the time.) The trauma survivor project that owns my soul when I'm not working on fanfiction? turned two years old. Plus we're gearing up for the April project, another mod is setting up a project with Habit Rpg. also I might have written a crack? fic involving uptown funk and draco/harry/charlie as a pairing.
> 
> Basically everything is chaos and I've been playing catch up in most spheres of my life. also I have taken to doodling tiny pictures of casual dress snape at work on the back of things and my manager thinks it's hilarious.


	17. Chapter 17

"Where have you been?"

The house is almost empty once more, the Gryffindors all tucked into their own beds- in their own homes, all except one. Severus shifts uncomfortably, thin fingers clutching onto the door frame for support as he attempts to avoid looking into her eyes. Hayden looks almost as if she's been crying and he isn't sure that he can handle the guilt on top of his already tossing stomach. This doesn't stop her from continuing though, asking if it was her fault he'd left, if he hadn't wanted Seamus and Dean there, and it's only as she goes to keep on- that he shoves off from where he's been attempting to lean and instead stumbles into the bedroom. Severus doesn't quite push past her, but it's enough that she hesitates before following him, unsure if he's angry with her, unsure if she's allowed in his private space at this moment. 

"Severus...."

There's a pleading lit to her voice, and the man groans quietly as he rolls onto his side, cracking open one eye to peer at her now. Part of him wishes he'd taken the extra effort to make it to the bathroom instead, but takes comfort in the fact that his wand is still tangled in his robes- close enough that he can evanesco any sick away if he needs to. He wants to say something to make Hayden stop hovering, but he isn't sure what she's asking to be honest. One would think that she'd know by now that even being as gifted at legilimency as he is, he can't actually read her mind on a whim, especially not with the amount of alcohol he has coarsing through his system. He makes the poor decision to open his mouth to tell her so, only to find himself groaning instead. It's not something that he's proud of, much less pleased with himself over, but at least it seems to shake her from her unmoving state.

"You ridiculous, ridiculous man. What's gotten into you..."

She's never been the motherly type, not really, but that doesn't stop her from insisting that they get him out of the robe. There's a brief struggle and then his wand and a small package are placed on the bed side table while the robe itself is tossed aside, and then Hayden settles on the other side of the bed and reaches over to place his head in her lap. She's not ashamed to admit that it's a move that she picked up from Luna, though she's startled when he groans again, moves to push himself up only to collapse back down. It seems to be all the energy that he has left in him because he doesn't protest as she runs her fingers through his hair, carefully pushing it away from his face as she does so.

They sit like this for what seems like forever, Hayden alternating between murmuring quiet nonsensical reassurance and humming to herself and Severus laying there with his eyes closed trying to even out his breathing and calm his stomach. If he was more in control of his senses, he'd ask her to fetch a sobering potion from the shop but right now it's all he can do to keep the contents of his stomach in place. Eventually Hayden encourages him to sit up and drink some water before returning to her previous line of questioning, though perhaps with a bit more tact.

"I still really would appreciate knowing why you left and then came back over 6 hours later smelling like a bar."

"Not my keeper."

"No. Not your keeper. However, I am your friend and I'm worried about you."

"Needed to get something." It's as close as he is willing to get to the truth, still has no interest in telling her about the letter or that he'd gotten upset earlier. He takes another slow sip of the water, thankful for the chance to think even as Hayden reiterates the second half of her question. "Ran into Miss Granger while I was out shopping."

"You ran into Hermione? and? I'm so sorry if she did something to you. I mean, I know there was that time that she set your cloak on fire-" It's all Severus can do to not turn his head sharply at that comment. It's a statement worth pursuing at a later time, just not right now. " but I would hope we've all grown up more than that. I know she can't be happy with me right now but.. I am so sorry if something happened, Sev. I really am."

"I'm offended you think my skills so meager that I'd be defenseless against someone who was once my student," Hayden goes to interject but he shakes his head in order to silence her. "Miss Granger was merely concerned. " another pause, another long drink of water as he attempts to gather himself. The somersaults in his stomach has slowed down but the pounding between his ears has only gotten worse. 

"And you decided to drink because ?????"

"One, at the risk of repeating myself, I am a grown man and you are not my keeper. Two, she said something I found unsettling. That's all."

"Like what?"

"Hayden...."

"No, she's my... she was my friend. is my friend? and I want to know what she said."

"She thanked me for caring about you- that's all." 

"You decided to go out drinking and come home in a stupor because someone said you cared about me." Except that isn't all at all, but he's hardly in a position to explain why her statement unsettled him. In fact he doesn't completely understand why it ruffled him to the degree it did, but there's a sinking in his chest at her tone. He isn't sure why, but Hayden sounds.... hurt. This is only confirmed when she suddenly stands up and snatches a blanket from the trunk at the foot of his bed, only stopping to snap, "I'm so sorry I didn't realize that you didn't... or that you do but it's something to be so ashamed of."

Which really, really isn't what he meant at all. Severus considers addressing the issue, except he really isn't sure how and there's no point in causing even more of a scene tonight. Curling on his side once more all he can do is go to sleep and hope that everything will make more sense in the morning.

It doesn't. But it doesn't go as feared either. It's with a dull sense of confusion, and an even larger pounding in his head that two things strike him. First, that there is a hangover potion sitting on the bedside table now, which he gladly drinks. Second, that the black nest of hair peaking out from beneath the blanket next to him is Hayden. He wants to ask her when she'd come back to bed, or more pressingly, why she'd decided to come back- but nature has other plans and when he finally leaves the bathroom Hayden is no where to be found in the bedroom. 

When he goes to enter the kitchen, he finds her leaning against the counter, sipping a cup of tea while another one sits on the table apparently waiting for him.

"I'm sorry about last night."

"Hayden, I hardly think you are the one who should be apologi-"

"No, please, let me apologize. You were probably too far gone yourself to notice it when you came in, but I might have broken into your liquor cabinet while you were gone. I uh... realize that I took offense to something that I probably shouldn't have. I realized pretty early this morning what an arse I'd been, and went to get the hangover potions.... I just... took it personally."

"You had every right to-" Once again she cuts him off.

"Stop. Really. I get it. I know how much your reputation means to you. Plus I think my world might shatter if you apologized right now. Time might just rewrite itself, Goblins might start giving to charity, Winky might get sober... there's an order to things and it doesn't involve you apologizing. Let's leave the world on it's axis for one more day if you don't mind."

Severus isn't sure why she's so determined to cut him off, but can't help but shake his head both in amusement and agreeance. If silence is what it takes for a truce, silence he can easily do. Except there's still something bothering him, that he just can't let go. 

"One last question, if You don't mind. what was this about Miss Granger having set my robes on fire?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> confession: I only wrote like the last scene of the last chapter tonight. I probably could have posted it without the Hermione confrontation but I wanted it to happen and words were a thing because of everything else going on.  
> That being said.  
> I did turn around and write this entire chapter tonight. (It's not 2 AM.... not at all.)  
> sohopefullyouwon'tbetoomad.


	18. Chapter 18

It's times like this that he wonders if his life could get any more bizarre.

Grow up in an abusive home? Check.  
Find out you're a wizard? Check.  
Temporarily join a band of meglomaniacs and then spend over a decade spying? Check.  
Help the Savior of the Wizarding World, who had spent most of their childhood hating you, become more comfortable in her skin? Check.  
Come home drunk because someone implied you had a heart? Check.  
Spend a Sunday evening out dressed like a woman with said Savior of the Wizarding World? Check

When Hayden had handed him the potions vial earlier that afternoon he only raises an eyebrow, waiting it out until she finally explains. As much as 'It's polyjuice. Please?' counts as sound reasoning. And yet, he does it without further questioning, saying nothing when she pushes his now smaller frame towards the bedroom door. There a long black dress with a matching cardigan sits on the bed and when he turns to give her a concerned look she just says 'please? it's the closest I could manage to your usual robes.' She'd ducked out of the room long enough to let him to get changed only to assault his person when he walked out. Or at least, that's what it felt like, until she stepped back and he realized she was just tucking something into a hidden pocket in the dress.

"Sorry! Personal bubble. Will remember. Now come on, our reservation is at 6."

Which is how he found himself sitting across from Hayden at a small restaurant in the middle of who knows where. It'd taken her three tries to side along them here, but he can't be sure if that's due to the distance, her ability, or just the unfamiliarity of having to side along a grown adult. Either way, he's decently sure that they're at a muggle restaurant, or at least if the other clientele are magical they keep it hidden well. Hayden doesn't seem particularly inclined to share with what's going on, chattering away instead about Seamus and Dean's visit and about Luna's most recent escapades with the Quibbler. He doesn't speak much, but then again, it isn't as if he has much to say on the matter. While he's glad that they're in her life, he's hardly interested in them outside of their interactions with Hayden.

It's only once dinner is through that she takes his hand and drags him to a theater, with a soft reminder to take a sip out of the flask she'd tucked in his dress earlier. It's some action film, American actors with confusing accents and heavy on the violence, but he can't complain too much when he sees just how happy Hayden is. She spends most of the hour and a half with her eyes glued to the large screen, occasionally turning to make sure that he's enjoying it as much as she is. It's slightly over the top, he doesn't see much value in the plot, but at the end of the night, anything that makes her smile at him like that is worth it.

And then, still without any explanation, they go home and to bed and he makes a mental note to ask her what it's all about in the morning.

Which, he would have- had she been there when he woke up.

It's unsettling to roll over and not see her there, even more unsettling when he realizes just how quickly he has become used to waking up to see her there. Especially with the knowledge that this... whatever this is- can't go on forever. Severus frowns before forcibly reminding himself that Hayden is a grown woman and can take care of herself. It was completely unlikely that she'd somehow been abducted from bed without him noticing and as for the other thought.... there were some things better left not thought about. Besides there are potions to brew and things to get done in the shop, and really he should relish the fact that there are no gryffindors or ex students stomping around his home.

"Severus! I'm so glad to see that you're in the shop today- I'd try stopping by earlier and your shop keep said you weren't to be bothered. Rather surprising for you to have a shopkeep at all, really.  "

"Mr. Malfoy, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Draco. and I'm actually looking for an anti-fertility potion. For a friend you see. So I seized the chance to gain his favor and enjoy the opportunity to speak to an old mentor."

"I'll be happy to get that for you," he pauses for a moment before shaking his head, "I mean for your friend. I don't happen to have any on hand- but it shouldn't take but an hour to brew. You're free to stay and chat if you'd like."

It isn't that he isn't fond of Draco, he is.  He'd always been partial to his snakes, especially those who were smart enough to fight on the right side of the war in the end. But that doesn't mean that he can't be suspicious. The man had recently married one of the Greengrass girls, the younger one if Severus remembered correctly, and if he was anything like his father, was probably set on making a heir as soon as possible. And while Draco might have been completely honest with him, that he was getting it as a favor, it seemed a strange move for the kind of games that the Slytherins tended towards.  His suspicion is only confirmed when ten minutes into the brewing process- a few minor formalities and benign bits of chit chat out of the way- Draco finally gets to the real reason that he's there.

"Have you heard the recent news about Potter?"

"Beyond the Prophet printing that ridiculous picture implying that I would willingly be anywhere near James Jr?"

"My sources," He doesn't say it, but Severus knows he means Pansy. The woman had replaced Rita Skeeter at the Prophet a few years ago and had been a terror to the wizarding population since, "tell me that Granger went down there and demanded that they retract the story. Claim that it was an altered photo."

"and you believe it isn't?"

"He looks rather nice as a girl, doesn't he? Of course, he looks better now. I figure you had something to do with that."

He isn't impressed by Draco's behavior, but he can't help be amused at the way the blond flinches back when his wand is drawn. It shows the boy still has some sense in him after all. Severus gives an exaggerated roll of his eyes as he flicks the door closed and puts up both a silencing spell and a set of wards before setting his wand back on the table, though still in arm's reach.

"What do you want?"

"What do you mean, what do I want? Severus, my feelings are hurt. Why would you think that I'm after something?"

"Mr. Malfoy, I will not repeat myself. Or if you'd rather, what all do you know? You may choose which to answer, but I must strongly advise you that I am not in the mood to play games."

"Draco, again. Not as much as you do, Sir. All of I want to know is why Harry Potter has a sudden affinity for skirts and why are you of all people helping him?"

He banishes the now useless goo in the bottom of his cauldron with a muttered, "I'm assuming this was never needed." before turning his full attention to the blond in front of him.

"Draco. As I'm sure you know, galleons speak for themselves."

"You can't be that hard up on cash, Severus. I can't imagine an altered polyjuice- it isn't polyjuice is it?" Severus doesn't answer, does his best to keep his facial expression as flat as possible but Draco seems to already be chasing the train of thought, "He's gone and turned himself into a girl? Permanently?"

"I don't know, what did your elusive sources have to say on the matter?" It's a petty dig at this point, but while his back isn't up against the wall quite yet- this conversation has given Draco an edge up that he definitely didn't need.

"We just thought Potter had gone off the deep end. A couple of us were actually taking bets about whether it's a publicity stunt, and attempt to avoid publicity stunt, or a panty fetish. But this is... this is much more serious isn't it."

"At the risk of repeating myself Draco, what do you want?" He doesn't realize how close his fingers are to his wand until the man holds up his hands in a mocking 'surrender'.

"I just wanted the upper hand in regards to the bet, really. Not necessarily for the galleons, but even you should know that gossip about Potter is it's own sort of currency. At this point I'm not sure whether I'll share this juicy tidbit or just owl her myself. I wasn't kidding when I said she was looking better these days, and with everything going on I'm sure she wouldn't mind some company, if you know what I mean."

"Don't be crude, it's beneath your station."

Draco hums noncommitally before standing to leave- pausing at the workshop door way to wait patiently as Severus undoes the wards. It's only when he's half way to the door that he turns to comment, "I'll keep your advice in mind, Sir. But I'll leave you with some as well- you wear your emotions a lot more than you used to. I'd be careful about that if I were you."

and Severus wants to say something, he does. There are any number of cheap shots or low blows that he could deliver, but he's frozen. Caught with his metaphorical pants down because the shop bell is ringing and there is Luna and Hayden, who ducks her head immediately when she realizes that Malfoy is there. Thankfully the blond man only shoves past her on his way out.

"What was that all about? Malfoy upset that he's lost his spot as class pet? or was he in search of a potion to handle that premature receding hair line of his."

"Have you given any more consideration regarding when you plan on letting the public know about your new status?"

Hayden frowns and shrugs, "Luna and I talked about it some more earlier today but mostly we were well, doing other stuff.... Why?"

"Between Ginerva Weasley's owls and Mister Malfoy sniffing around my shop... You might find it wise to do it sooner rather than later if you wish to be the one selling the story."

It's better than keeping her in the dark, better than telling her that he knows- at least, that's what he comforts himself with when Hayden nods slowly, obviously trying to collect herself.

"I uh... need some time to think.  Don't wait up." a pause and then, "please?"

 

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

"That foul, loathesome little cockroach!"

"I think you've already used that one, love" Ron leans across her shoulder to pluck the ball point pen off the table, tossing it from one hand to the other as he watches Luna braid Hayden's hair.

He's still not used to it, but he tries his best not to kick up a fuss. Not that he hadn't considered it when Luna had showed up at their front door, dragging her along. Some friend she was, he hadn't even gotten a letter. As if he was an extension of Hermione, like he hadn't been her first friend on that train. or like he'd really hold a grudge that long for the Ginny thing. Sure, it hadn't been pretty, but neither was the Forest of Dean or the Final Battle. And maybe he'd shown his arse, but he always came back around and she hadn't even given him the chance. And he's ready to tear into her over that, the fear that had turned into anger when they didn't know where she was, only multiplied by the insult of finding out Seamus and Dean had gotten to see her-

but he'd barely gotten his mouth open and she'd stumbled backwards into Luna.

Afraid.

Bloody terrified if her facial expression was anything to go by. The only thing he could do was close his mouth with a noticeable click and walk back into the kitchen to nurse his ego. He hadn't heard much at first, just Luna trying to explain something about Malfoy and Ginny- which was a strange combination to be mentioned together without words like 'hex' and 'cursed'. After what seemed like an excessively long monologue on Luna's behalf, they'd moved into the kitchen and when he'd stepped to leave, Hermione had reached out to still him. So he'd stayed and finally, after a hushed conversation, Hayden had approached him.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Whatever for? Walking out on your best mate? Keeping me in the dark? Can't imagine what you might be sorry for, Harry."

"Hayden. Her name is Hayden now." Hayden shoots Hermione a shaky smile in thanks, but Ron had just huffed.

"Hayden. It's going to take me a moment to get used to this, mate. But dammit, do you know how many sleepless nights you caused us? Had us scared half to death."

"I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't mean to hurt you."

And he wants to continue, because she doesn't get it. Doesn't understand how panicked they'd been when the owls kept bouncing. How the guilt from being upset over Ginny only seemed to compound how upset he was that she was gone. They'd survived Voldemort together, for merlin's sake... Except she'd started to get that look again and he did the only thing he knew to do, pulled her into a hug. Admittedly, letting her go sooner than usual because it was weird. Not necessarily Harry being a girl, but just Harry suddenly having a chest. Or Hayden.

Time. It was going to take time. That's what he kept telling himself as he watched Hermione and Hayden strategize at the table. Or rather, Hermione strategize with the occasional input from their now feminine friend. It seemed painfully obvious that Hayden had no choice, that she had to come out and come out soon. The more Luna filled them in on the details of why, the more frustrated his fiance seemed to get. Especially at Malfoy, or so the cockroach and ferret snarls seemed to imply.

"It's getting late, I should probably get back. Hayden are you coming?"

"Of course she isn't. She's staying here with us now."

"What?" She doesn't mean to sound rude, really, but Hayden can't help the outburst. 

Ron shrugs his shoulders in answer, "I know tonight has been tense. But we made it through a year of camping together, we can make it through this."

"I can go back to Snape's place, there really isn't a reason for me to intrude"

"I haven't seen my best mate in pretty much half a year...and there might have been some extreme changes in that time... but no friend of mine is going to go and stay with the Greasy Git when there's a perfectly good guest bedroom here."

Hayden's response is quietened when Luna rests a hand on her arm, "I think that's probably for the best. You can stop by the shop tomorrow and check in, you know he'll be there. Stay here with Ron and Hermione, maybe even think of reaching out to Seamus and Dean again. You're going to need all the support you can get this week." There's a soft press of lips against her cheek and then Luna is gone in a whirl of magic.

"Come on, bed time. For all of us. I'm glad that I was able to get a few owls sent off tonight, but really we need to be up bright and early if we're going to get everything done. Ron if you don't mind summoning the pillows we can get the bed set up in here. Come on Hayden, right through here. There we go. I'll get you a pair of pajamas, we might have to shrink them a bit.... You were already small and then it seems you got a bit smaller, but something of mine should work."

Hayden allows herself to be herded into the spare bedroom, thanking Ron quietly when he drops the extra and blankets and pillows on the bed. There's another moment of awkwardness until the red head nods and finally pulls the woman into a proper hug, ignoring the slight shake in her shoulders when he does so.

"It's good to have you back, man. It's good to have you back. I'd say don't go crying on me, but I guess that's a chick th-" he's breaks off with a slight laugh as Hermione wallops him with a pillow before handing Hayden the slightly altered night gown. The couple leave her to her own devices, but she can hear Hermione chiding him about proper displays of emotion and how men are allowed to cry if they want to- not that Hayden was a man anymore of course- until it's silenced by the soft click of a door closing and she is truly alone.

So she changes into the handmedown night gown and tells herself that she doesn't wish it was a robe many sizes too big. That she isn't listening for the sound of someone elses breathing.

Luna was right. It'd be best in the long run to get used to being alone again. and Severus was right, it was time for her to stop hiding.

She just wishes she didn't feel quite so vulnerable about it all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't remember the fanfic- but I think my favorite ever Ron/Harry moment involved Harry having done something bad and then being like 'tea?' only for Ron to go 'Not yet. I'd pour it over your head.' but them still hugging it out at the end of the day.  
> So I know I had a bunch of you kind of split- whether you wanted Hermione to be a bad guy or not and while I definitely think she's screwed up... and there will (most likely) be more screw ups in the future...... (especially because Hermione is a know it all/wants to know it all.) butttttt I always saw her as a know it all with good intentions. Kind of like with SPEW. 'I'm going to save you by not listening to what you say you want because I KNOW what you need' but like.. really wanting to help? 
> 
> also shorter chapter because it was like 'I could go on. but then there'd be a different scene and I wouldn't feel right cutting it after that.... so then I'd have to write another scene.' chapter lengths are still weird to me. but I figured 1000 words pretty close to the last one was better than say 2000-3000 words in a month.
> 
> Also- next chapter:  
> Ginny.  
> Draco.  
> The Quibbler.  
> and a little bit more of awkward Ron.


	20. Chapter 20

Support, as it were, seemed to come mostly in the form of the now defunct Dumbledore's Army.

Hayden shifted awkwardly in the skirt and button-down that Hermione had left her at the edge of the bed that morning. Ron and Hermione's already small apartment only seems smaller with all the hustle and bustle going, and maybe a year ago she would have appreciated it, would have felt it intimate, but now she just feels out of place. After a moment of hesitation she crosses over to the only face that seems truly familiar at this point. 

"Luna's down at the Quibbler making sure today's paper gets distributed as planned. Would have let you see the first copy but she didn't want to wake you- there's tea on the counter and biscuits on the table, help yourself."

"Thank you. Uhm, not to be oblivious, but what is everyone doing here?"

Neville shrugged, taking a sip from his own mug, "Luna asked us to be here, so we're here. Though I think she has plans for you today. Hermione and her spent what felt like ages going through the closet looking for something for you to wear."

"I don't have to speak to the press today, do I?"

She'd never liked speaking to the press, especially because of the many, wonderful experiences that she'd had when dealing with Rita Skeeter. The thought makes her laugh, though it comes out sounding a bit hysterical if Neville's worried gaze is anything to go by. The man passes her a tea, pausing to rub at her shoulders in what seems to be an attempt at comfort until she shakes her head slightly.

"No, I just... I guess we can be thankful that Rita's no longer in business. I can just imagine the headline had this all come out a few years ago. 'Boy Who Lives: Mommy Issues?' 'Find out what's under the skirt in the next issue.'"

"Blimey mate, I love you and all, for whatever you might be," this is said with perhaps a bit too  much emphasis, but Hayden can't help but send the redhead approaching them a slight smile, "but if you do have Mommy Issues.... I mean that just makes the whole staying with Snape thing even stranger. Ugh."

Hayden firmly tells herself that she isn't going to say anything, that trying to defend Snape right now would only cause more problems than not, but the issue becomes a moot point when Ron makes his next comment.

"I mean, Hermione was wondering about why Snape was so good about this all. Wasn't there a rumor that he had a thing for your mum? Could you imagine? You should probably run the opposite way if he suggests dying your ha-" he never does finish the word, tea sloshing down his sweater when Neville gives him a sharper than necessary shove.

"We've been out of school for years, don't you think it's time you put your ire over the big mean teacher away. He wasn't exactly the greatest to me during school either, but no one can deny the part he played in Voldemort's downfall and since the war has been over... He's been rather human. "

Ron gives them both a slightly disgusted look before walking away muttering about having to go and change now, and Hayden can't help but hug Neville for his comment.

"Thank you. I... I know my... friendship with Severus is probably going to cause even more strain with a few people, Ron definitely being one of them. I wouldn't let Severus hear you call him human though, I mean, he came home drunk because Hermione even thought to imply that he had a heart."

and as soon as it's out of her mouth, she wishes she could take it back because something in Neville's face softens and she can almost hear Luna's 'Oh Hayden' even without it being said. 

"Don't take what Ron said to heart. He's just used to everyone hating on Snape for fun. We were all guilty of exaggerating, of accusing Snape of doing things like putting Firsties in potions. I think Ron may have just started to believe his own shit. Also... not that I am saying there is anything, and please if there is, I don't want to know the details,  but I really don't think Severus is that kind of man. He uh.... he put up with having half of our year hanging out in his living room because of you and I think that says enough on it's own. Just.... be careful." 

"I. Thank you. It means a lot. Really. Everything both you and Luna have done."

There's a tapping against the window and Neville opens it briefly to retrieve the rolled up parchment off the back of what appears to be a hummingbird, sending Hayden a bemused glance as he opens it up. "Speak of the... well she's not a devil by any means, but Luna said it's time. She's asking one of us to take you to her. You ready?"

When Hayden nods, Neville wraps an arm around her shoulder and they disappear in a swirl of magic. She rolls her eyes when she realizes where they are, being side alonged unnecessarily seems a bit silly but then again she didn't understand the need for all the cloak and dagger in regards to everything. That being said, she trusts Luna to have her best interest in mind, and if Luna thinks it better that she not have all the details, she'll just have to bear it.

"Hayden! The Professor and I were just talking about today's issue- didn't it come out fantastic?"

Severus for his part doesn't look quite as amused, but Hayden can't tell if it's the content of the article or the glitter on his robes. The Front Page is a spiral of colors, pixies and fae moving letters about and shaking the sparkling substance with every beat of their wings. When they finally settle down, Hayden can see enough to read 'Out of the Broom Closet' and before the panic can finish blossoming in her chest, a picture of Seamus and Dean- arm in arm, drops into focus along with the words 'Hogwarts Alumni and Veterans of the Wizarding War Open Up About The Wizarding World's Final Prejudice.'

"I mean, Hermione tried to argue that it isn't quite the last prejudice but could you imagine if we tried to make an article title include house elf rights, giant rights, and gay and trans wizarding rights?"

"That would be Hermione. I... how'd you get Seamus and Dean to agree so fast? When Neville said that you had plans for me today, to be honest I've been horrified that you had interviews set up for me today."

"Seamus has been wanting to come out of the closet for a while anyway, and Dean said so long as he wasn't the only one... They aren't on the cover, but I was also able to get the youngest Creevey brother and one of the Patil twins. as well as a few others, to open up about their experiences."

"All last night?" Luna's smile and refusal to answer is answer enough and Hayden can't help but wonder how long she's been planning this. Going to Hermione's last night had seemed like a spur of the moment decision.... Hayden takes a deep breath and tucks the thought away. It wouldn't be like Luna to talk to Hermione by her back, and this wasn't necessarily evidence that she had been. After all, Seamus and Dean had just been at the house the other week- it was likely she'd been talking to them since then.

"Hayden, I know this is all a bit much, however I think what Miss Lovegood is trying to do is allow you to... come out as it were.. without having to do it alone, or have the spotlight on you. As I was telling her, I'm not sure how much of that we can avoid, considering the public's fascination with you, but I do think this is a good step. "

"No, it's great. Does this mean I won't have to do any interviews?" She can't help the relief seeping through as she looks as her blond haired friend. If everyone else is coming out, maybe it was possible to just... start showing up in public and hope people got the drift?

"I'm afraid that probably can't be avoided, at least not entirely. However I believe Miss Lovegood is running a bit short on time, she has an interview herself to go and conduct. As for you, it's up to you to decide whether you want to try and come out in the midst of all this, or let it die down a bit." Severus looks as if he wants to say more, but his comment about Luna seems to have reminded her of the time and the blond woman is a flurry of motion until she seems to find the pocket in her robes that she's placed... something.

"Just a minute, " and they're hugging and Luna is pressing a small contraption her hands, it appears to be half pocket watch, half compass," Remember Hayden, we'll always find a way. My father gave that to me years ago, said Lovegood's always had a habit of getting lost along the way and not showing up on time because of it.... but I think it'll serve you better now."

It's an odd gesture, but Luna has never been anything but odd and Hayden can't help but hug her a little tighter before waving as Neville and her leave.

"So.... uh.." 

"Feeling eloquent are we? If you'll give me a moment to change- robes aren't quite appropriate for today's outing, and even if robes were, I am currently covered in the most atrocious of substances- then we can be on our way. I know it's a bit early for lunch but I believe by the time I finish getting ready and get there... it'll be close enough. If you don't mind, that is?"

"No, I.. that sounds great."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah!  
> sometimes I'm like 'I want to comment on that to make everything okay' but yeah.  
> So a couple of y'all took the Hayden not coming home a little bit more dramatically than I had intended? i think. I should probably go back and reread and see if there's anything I can do to make it not seem like a drama point. I mean- there was a point.  
> but you're at the end notes, so I'm sure you've now seen that it wasn't like a 'Severus is super angry!' drama point. To me, Hayden had already told Sev not to wait up that night and also just... sometimes space is needed. and as great as Luna and Severus are- people, especially people going through large amounts of emotional upheaval- tend to do better with more than two friends. Even if two of the friends are SUPER good friends and the rest are not so close. I don't know that Hermione and Ron will ever be Hayden's best friends again- because while Ron does have a point about them surviving Voldemort together.... sometimes when people change they grow and sometimes... you grow out of friendships. Especially after large emotional upheavals.
> 
> Also this feels really dialogue heavy and I'm not sure how I feel about that but I'm not going to try and figure out how to rewrite the entire chapter.
> 
> also I thought I'd get to Molly Weasley this chapter but decided to cut it here.


	21. Chapter 21

"I'm hoping this is to your liking?"

Hayden swallows a small remark regarding Severus's habit of sounding like he was in the wrong century, especially when they were in public. She's wanted to comment on in it the past few weeks, but the more she thinks about it- the more it feels like a defense mechanism. His turns of phrase and the way he stayed in robes buttoned up to the neck almost seemed like a type of armor, and after the kind of life Severus has led, she can't exactly blame him.

"It's fantastic- what made you choose here?"

Here is a small diner in muggle Scotland, the kind that serves breakfast all day long and Hayden is currently burying herself under a stack of pancakes. When Severus had finally come downstairs again, he had been dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a black button down, doing his best to look casual despite the attire while muttering about how long it takes to get glitter out of one's hair. They'd apparated shortly after to a safe spot, which had unfortunately been over a half a mile from their destination, not that Hayden minded the chance to stretch her legs. Besides, it was nice to just walk with Severus.

"Luna told me it was of the utmost importance that you had a good day today, and I thought after our last outing, "there's a slight pause, and Severus seems to be waiting on something, but when Hayden doesn't speak up he continues forward without comment, "that this might be the kind of place that would suit your fancy. I'm glad that I wasn't mistaken. If you don't mind though, Luna and I were only able to converse for a small time before you arrived. Is there anything you'd like to discuss with me in regards to your coming out?"

It's casual, and Hayden is glad that it's a question rather than a demand, but she can tell that Severus is more than a little curious. Honestly though, she isn't sure what she can tell him. After all, the paper this morning had be a surprise and Luna and Hermione seemed to be trying to keep her in the dark regarding upcoming events. Hayden did know that an interview was necessary at some point, as Severus had pointed out himself, her celebrity status meant it'd be difficult to just come out to friends and family without there being a larger backlash. She fills him in as much as she can, and finally voices a few concerns.

"I don't even know what I'm supposed to do! Stand up in front of a crowd and say, "Hey remember when you thought a man killed Voldemort? haha about that."

"That certainly would be one way to do it, however, I highly doubt that is the best plan of attack. I'm not your keeper though."

"What if I wanted you to be?" At Severus's raised eyebrow she reevaluates the statement before blundering on, "Okay, not like a keeper keeper. I just... I don't know what to do. I know I have to do it, I just don't know what you're supposed to say. It's not like I have a long list of examples to reference. And I know it's not like you've ever had to come out as a woman... but I trust you. And Luna is great, and I mean Hermione and Ron were great during the war- I know that they're good at strategy and everything. I just.. you've been really great through this whole thing, and you seem to have my best interest in mind and it's not that I want you telling me what to do or anything, I know it's still my life and eventually you'll want your house back to yourself and your life to yourself again but I just.... I don't know which way is up and I mean you've been great about everything else so why wouldn't you be great about this.... and I just... yeah... please..."

It takes Severus a moment to try and sort through the runon sentence to figure out what it is exactly that Hayden is asking exactly, though to be honest, he still isn't sure. "I'd be happy to help give you guidance on your next moves. And as for the other, are you operating under the impression that you'll come out and... what? that I'll kick you out, close up shop and be glad to have wiped my hands clean of you?"

There's a slightly teasing tint to the question, but only to mask the underlying hurt. As far as Severus was concerned, the opposite was far more likely to happen- was already happening in fact. The more Hayden came out, the more people she had in her life that accepted her, the less she would need a greasy old potion's master to support her. 

"You aren't planning to kick me out?" It's a sudden statement, and he's just glad that she took the moment to swallow the food in her mouth (he'd watched her Red headed friend spew it across the table too many times) before speaking, and then after a sip of milk, "I mean... I can't live with you forever."

She could. He's tempted to tell her that she's free to stay as long as she pleases, but he also knows that isn't what she needs right now. He'd likely already been a detriment by not pushing her to come out sooner, and that's a strange thought all in it's own. He's never been the type to coddle someone, after all.

"It is not... unpleasant having you around. However, you do eventually need to return to the world. "

"It's not unpleasant having me around?"

"I believe I just said that."

"I'm not a terrible, no good house guest?"

"I absolutely refuse to sit here and continue to stroke your ego." But the damage is already done and Hayden is beaming at him, "you ridiculous child."

"Hey! Not so much a child anymore." No, Hayden wasn't a little girl anymore. Not that he had any intention of acknowledging just how much she'd grown up at this moment. It'd be more trouble than it was worth in the long run. "I don't call you Old Man, now do I?"

"Hayden."

"Oooo, I mean, if I'm such a child..... I could always call you Sevvie."

"Think about it and you'll be sleeping on the couch for a week."

"Hey! Isn't it the woman who is supposed to threaten such things. Besides, I was just teasing. Promise, Severus."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter today because within the next four hours I will be in the woods with a bunch of people under 4 feet tall. For the same reason- there probs won't be an update until mid/late next week.


	22. Chapter 22

"Why aren't you covered in glitter?"

"Hm?" Hermione doesn't look up from where she's been marking the most recent edition of the Quibbler, but does take a moment to wave her hand for Hayden to take a seat.

"You aren't covered in glitter. Everyone else I've seen with the paper today has been covered in glitter." Well, not everyone, Luna seemed to have avoided it, but it was hard to tell considering how bright her outfit was to begin with. After they'd finished lunch earlier today, Severus had suggested they go for a walk in the park. It'd been nice and eventually Seamus and Dean had shown up, both with various splotches of glitter and sporting papers of their own. Seamus had been especially excited to show off his interview and much to Hayden's disappointment it'd given Severus the excuse he needed to slip off back to the shop.

"Ah, that. Luna thought it'd be a good idea, though I'm not so sure myself.... the glitter only happens..." It's odd watching Hermione struggle for words, but finally Ron comes to the rescue- apparently amused by his fiancee's attempt at tact.

"The fairies only decorate their own. See, " Ron plucks the paper off the table, ignoring Hermione's disapproving sigh, "I'm only into birds myself- so, glitter free."

"Oh," Hayden resists the urge to pick up the paper herself, unsure she wants to know whether or not the fairies would claim her as their own, " I guess that's good to know."

"Don't worry about it too much. I told Luna it was a risk, outing people who didn't want to be outed. But she argued that unless you know, then it just appears random."

"I wasn't concerned about that... not like I have much choice on the being out thing myself. Speaking of which, what is the next move?"

From there the conversation flowed easier and Hayden was able to tuck her concern about the paper away for the night. As the hour grew later, more and more tomes appeared on the table in front of them as Hermione brought out references, both muggle and magical, for the upcoming interview. It seemed like overkill to Hayden, all the little tidbits of knowledge written on scattered parchment. Everything from Muggle methods to what was rumored to be attempts by Wizards and Witches throughout the ages. A failed alchemy experiment, a whisper of a spell that would shrink breasts, what seemed like a mistranslation of a greek text that spoke of being able to give a man ovaries. There was even a story about Rowena Ravenclaw dressing as a man for a few years during her youth, though historians accounted it to a young woman's attempt at being taken seriously rather than any gender related issues. Hermione insisted that it was still useful to show that she wasn't the first powerful witch to present as something else entirely.

For the most part, Hayden tried to avoid the extraneous questions, even when she realized that it was frustrating the bushy haired woman across from her. There just wasn't any need for Hermione or the public to know whether or not she'd be able to have children or if she would have a period. What she didn't tell her friend was that even she wasn't sure. It wasn't a detail that Severus had shared with her, and considering the state of the text that she had found the potion in to begin with- she wasn't even sure that he knew either.

When the clock on the wall had chimed 'time to go to bed', Hermione had tried to convince her to stay- and she'd tried, she really had. Even accepted the nightgown that the other woman had given her, only to spend another hour or so pacing the room before finally giving up and apparting to Severus's.

Which is exactly how he finds her, curled up in a ball in his armchair with the spare robe he keeps by the door tucked around her like a blanket. It's surprising to say the least, he hadn't expected her back for the evening, but Severus can't help shake his head fondly at the sleeping Gryffindor. It'd be easy enough to levitate her into the bedroom, or leave her in the chair, but instead he withdraws his wand only long enough to mutter a quick featherweight charm before picking her up. He isn't sure even that much is necessary, but he prefers to not take chances when he doesn't have to these days, especially when it comes to her. Her head lulls against his shoulder as he adjusts his grip to open the door to the bedroom, resisting the urge to smile as she mutters in her sleep. It only takes a moment more to tuck her into bed before disappearing into the bathroom to change out of his work clothes and into something easier to sleep in.

It'd been a long day in the shop, hard at work getting this month's wolfsbane ready. It's one potion he isn't ready to trust in the hands of someone else, not willing to risk anyone else's life just because he finally has something to do other than slave over a cauldron all day. He's tempted to take another shower for this reason, to let the hot water beat the tension from his shoulders, but he doesn't want to wake Hayden, so instead he changes as quickly as possible before turning into bed.

The morning finds his bed empty empty once more, but there's enough commotion in the kitchen that there's not doubt in his mind where the girl is. Grumbling half heartedly about the hour, he goes to get ready for the day. When he finally enters the living room, it's with damp hair pulled back into a pony tail at the nape and a towel around his shoulders. Hayden is, as expected, at the kitchen table and a stack of pancakes taller than she was sitting on the table.

"Morning Sleeping Beauty! Have a late night did you?"

"Rich considering it was made later by a certain someone forgetting that chairs cannot double as beds. I thought you were staying at Granger's to prep for the interview today?"

"I was. Couldn't sleep. I know eventually I'll have to get used to sleeping in an empty bed, but right now... leave a girl her small comforts, ya know?"

"I would be an absolute monster to rob you of your beauty sleep, I suppose." Severus shook his head fondly at her out stretched tongue, " I take it your lack of contradiction means that the interview is still set for today? and that you're well prepared for anything that Parkinson might throw at you?"

"I still don't understand why we can't use Luna for this. Her paper isn't as popular as the Prophet by any means, but it's better than throwing me to the snakes isn't it?"

"I'm going to pretend that wasn't a slur against my house and remind you that I wasn't the one who scheduled the interviews. You'll have to take that up with the gryffindor duo."

"It isn't fair though. Dean and Seamus got to work with Luna, wonderful, sweet Luna and I'm stuck talking to that pug faced witch."

"Harboring a crush on Miss Lovegood now are we?" It's almost teasing, but there's something else there but Hayden can't be bothered to figure out what it is.

"That's ridiculous. Besides, Luna doesn't even like girls, does she? She dated Neville?"

"She did. However, I would think considering your own situation you'd recognize that sometimes gender isn't the only factor. There are some...... wizards and witches who play for both teams- so to speak."

"You can do that?" She didn't mean to come off so shocked, but it really wasn't something she'd considered until now.

"Miss Evans, you dated and almost married a woman once.  Have you ever found that, either now or back in school, your eyes lingered just a little too long over a male's form? Perhaps you felt a strong bond, something different than what you felt for Mr. Weasley, but hesitated to call anything but friendship because at the time you considered yourself a straight man, and straight men didn't feel the way you did? Pleasured yourself- "

"Merlin, okay I get the point. and I don't know. I don't think so? Uh... look at the time. I should be getting over to Hermione's for today's torture session. See you later, Snape"

"Hayden, hold on for a second, " she froze in her rush to grab her bag and get out the door, turning partially to look at him, "if something I said made you uncomfortable-"

He looked like he was going to apologize, but she wanted to hear that even less than she wanted to deal with the questions, "No no, I just... the time.  Gotta go."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you feel like shit clap your hands *claps* my mental health is in the absolute pits because trauma reminders but the world rolls on and I need to stop letting that keep me from writing about Hayden. Writing about Hayden is exactly 900000000 times better than dealing with flashback bullshit.
> 
> Also not sure if I'm allowed? supposed? to rec other fanfiction writers. but if you like Drarry and especially if you like drarry vs. snarry (A Lion's Heart is great) Writcraft here on AO3 is fabulous. I haven't read their dark fics because that's not my scene these days- but I've pretty much poured through the rest of their work and I just
> 
> *lies on the ground in a field of flowers*


	23. Chapter 23

"You don't have to bait her, you know. "

If it'd been anyone but Luna, Severus might have snarled, but instead he gives the blond a blank stare. It wasn't that he was particularly fond, or particularly annoyed by the young witch, but he'd already been by the Weasley residence in search of Hayden. Her interview was in a few hours and he'd been planning to take her out but the girl was no where to be found. The redhead occupying the Weasley household had slammed the door in his face, something that would have usually have had Severus lacing curses, but then the bushy hair one had opened the door and confirmed that no, Hayden wasn't there and hadn't been around all day. Luna on the other hand had opened the door before he'd even knocked, only to make such an accusation.

Sure, he might have gotten a little carried away, but she was acting as if he was looking to get a reaction out of Hayden. Which was ludicrous, Severus had no interest in making the poor girl upset. After all, he'd been doing his best to make sure that she was as possible. Except, despite how defensive he's feeling, Severus recognizes that Luna wasn't trying to attack him, wasn't trying to make a scene. The comment had been light, as she ushered him into the living room. He sat quietly, eyeing the various eccentric bits of artwork along the wall.

 "I don't see why you think I was baiting her." 

Luna gave him a flat look, " You mentioned jacking off! She was your former student! We prefer to pretend that teachers have never even thought about the word, much less..."

"Hardly in those words," but in content, yes. Perhaps that had been over the line. Severus shifted slightly on the couch, "and I'd prefer you not remind me of the latter."

"Remind you of what?"

 Coming down the stairs was Hayden, looking much more put together than when she'd left.  Long hair pulled up into a bun with what appeared to be a paintbrush stuck behind her ear, Severus watched the woman as she went to stand next to Luna. For all appearances it didn't seem as if she was upset with him any longer, a fact that left him feeling more relieved than he felt comfortable with. He'd had a sharp tongue for years, been on the other end of many unapproving stares, and yet none of them affected him as much as Hayden's flustered disappearance.

"Nothing to worry yourself about. Are you dressed for the interview? "

"Is it that time already?" Hayden glanced down, assessing the feminine robes she'd been wearing. There wasn't anything on them, and it wasn't like the prophet was going to be doing picture for the interview, at least not to her knowledge they weren't. Yet his question made her uneasy, "Is what I'm wearing not good enough?"

"It's fine. I just wanted to make sure you were prepared. I presume you'll want company for lunch before you go?"

 Hayden smiled and Snape nodded towards Luna before standing up and reaching for her hand. Just as she gave him a startled look, she felt the familiar tug of side along pulling her through space.

"Oh," it's a small shocked noise and the man turns to appraise her.

"Is this not okay?"

"I just... It's rather public here."

"It is, is that going to be an issue? If not it's probably a good idea to get our seats. You don't have much time. I had intended to fetch you earlier, but you weren't at Granger's as expected."

"No, no, it's fine."

The pair took their seats and ordered, but Hayden's continued look of discomfort caused Severus to place a hand on hers, "I know Pansy isn't your favorite person in the world, however I wouldn't be this worried. I still have a relative amount of sway with most of my house, I doubt she'd risk my displeasure by being untoward."

"Thank you.... that's not what's got me worried right now though.... Are you sure that you're okay with being seen with me? In public?"

Startled Severus pulled back, "Have I done something to imply otherwise?"

"I just... you weren't happy about the first pictures and...." Hayden trailed off, unwilling to further explain her concern.

Dark eyes regarded her for a moment before widening slightly, "Is that why you had me drink polyjuice before?" and then at the small nod, "Because you think I'm ashamed of you?" It's a tight comment, more aggravated than he intends to let on.

 "I don't blame you. I know I'm a" The dark haired woman stops herself from saying it, fingernails digging into her palm until she looks up again when Severus squeezes her hand slightly.

"How many times must I reassure you that you aren't anything except a woman who has been struggling to find herself?"

"I'm still the, " a pause as she rewrites the sentence in her head, "daughter of a man you hated, a student who you despised."

"You've been out of school for years now and my demeanor is more suited to adults than children I've found. Or at the very least, I've never suffered idiots well and you've proven yourself neither a child nor an idiot in the past few months. As much as I hate to laud the trait, what you're doing is very brave.  I may not have liked Harry Potter, but I am not ashamed of" Severus stopped for a moment before continuing, "there is no shame in knowing Hayden Evans. Besides, with your interview today I hardly doubt our association will be kept under wraps much longer."

"I didn't think you'd be okay with me mentioning you name... dubious legalities I think you called them when we first met."

The arched eyebrow she got in return made her feel about five inches tall, even if Severus did sound slightly more amused as he spoke, "Ah, I see. You're worried about tarnishing my solid reputation as someone who has never, ever found themselves dabbling in dubious legalities and has always been a champion of the light and good and narrow path as the ministry defines. My reputation precedes me I see."

When Hayden flushed, but said nothing, Severus continued, "I fully expect you to inform Miss Parkinson of my participation in your quest to feel more comfortable with your physical form and then tell her to shove it or whatever delightful vulgarity you'd prefer- if she asks too many invasive questions past that it involved a potion and you are now every bit the woman that you were meant to be."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could write a list of ridiculous things that have happened since I last updated (including but not limited to a very long and drawn out pet death and totaling my truck)  
> but instead will say that it is perfectly acceptable to heckle me about how long it's been since I last updated. (and throw rocks at me in the upcoming weeks if it becomes apparent that there's going to be a gap again. I already have 200+ words of the next chapter written because I decided to cut this chapter here but yeah. that's no promise that I won't get distracted working on other things.)
> 
> Shout out to the individual who my friend showed this to- who then got upset at how long it'd been since I updated. Hearing that is one of the driving factors behind the fact that I can now finally present you chapter 23. alsopostedwithouteditingsothatitdoesn'tbecomeanotherweek. Feel free to point out things I'll try to fix them as I can- and then hopefully go back over it myself later.


End file.
